Reply to Touched Out: Is Motherhood a Scam?

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Reply to "Touched Out: Is Motherhood a Scam?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What is too bad is that although I connect with some of the points made about the "scam," the patriarchy, etc. in the momverse, this stuff all feels like it is written by moms of very young kids.

Now that my kids are teens, the balance with my DH is better, we are at different plces in our careers (mine will never recover from changes I made for my kids, but that is ok and I still want the flexibility while they are home). Now, unlike when they were toddlers and all over me, I want my kids to want to spend time with me, and I am already getting a little worried about the empty nest years.
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I mean, the stuff about being touched out is definitely specific to the experience of taking care of kids 0-5. That's also when the childcare crisis is most critical, and it's when women get the worst deal in terms of the labor that goes into caring for kids that age.

I also think it's important to talk about those years because that is really when the lack of appreciation for the work of parenting is most apparent. We have a cultural believe in the US that caring for young children is easy, not intellectual, and that people who choose to do it don't deserve respect. This belief applies to SAHMs, nannies, preschool teachers, daycare workers, and even working moms, who experience a host of strange dualities where their parenting work is demeaned or ignored while their professional work is praised, yet if the actual hard work of parenting kids every gets in the way of professional work (evidence that actually parenting is hard), then they are criticized for ignoring their "important" job. It's maddening.

It gets easier as kids get older because parenting teens doesn't have the same cultural stink on it. We view parenting teens as more valuable because we view teens as closer to adults, and therefore their problems and development are taken more seriously. This attitude is called "adults" and it's actually a big part of why the US has such a major crisis with regards to childcare -- we don't care about small children. Other cultures who value children, and the experience of childhood for its own sake and not merely as preparation for adulthood, tend to do a much better job with supporting families of young kids and therefore creating better experiences for moms and dads (and sometimes better equity in marriages, though not always).

[b]So one question you might ask is why your DH started stepping up more as your kids got older. [/b]What was it about the nature of parenting a 12 or 13 year old that your DH felt more comfortable with, as opposed to parenting a 3 or 4 year old? The answer to that actually tells us a lot about how we conceptualize parenting, work, and what matters.[/quote]

I was working only very part time in those years (by design) and he was working a very demanding schedule. We have both become way more senior and have different work situations now. In fact, he has more flexibility so he handles more driving, etc during the weekdays. So it is not just his "comfort." Things become easier to split when kids get older. Not letting him or other men off the hook, but life is different career-wise for many of us at 30, 40 and 50. And parenting changes for everyone over that time. The time when the kids are little is the hardest for everyone involved. I wish the moms who wrote these pieces had a little more perspective. They all seem to have kids aged 2-6. [/quote]

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