Reply to Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I could have written this. My DH used to yell on a daily basis, lots of controlling behavior  (Ie flip out if seeing friends or 5 minutes late, no access to financial information or yelling if needed to go to the bathroom). I walked on eggshells. During COVID, he would open the door just to rage and I was left with the kids trying to make the best. He finally went to therapy and the yelling reduced. But through my own therapy and from friends and family concern. I realized it was emotionally abusive. I still love him but ultiemluy don’t feel emotional safety or in love or attraction. [b]Couples therapy made it worse because now he is the victim because I am rejecting him but yet I need to heal and haven’t been able to repair. No real accountability on his part which makes me worry he could do this again as he did for almost a decade.[/b] In the process of divorce (hellish) with two kids and I work but I make way less than him in education and no generational wealth. It’s really scary and I go back and forth and self doubt. In the end we can try but it’s ok to have these feelings as trust has been broken and they haven’t necessarily earned it. What does your gut say? [/quote]

Op here.  I am so sorry that you are going through this too, pp.  The bolded is what I worry about, because my husband often descends into a victim mentality.  He is rather charismatic and I worry he will lull the couples counselor into thinking he is a harmless goofball.  He is a very insecure, image-oriented person who always wants to be the life of the party and have people like him and always made us miserable at home.

It hurts because he didn’t shape up until he was shamed into it- [b]the shock of *other people* telling him this was not acceptable behavior made him realize what he was doing was wrong, but years of me crying and telling him it was destroying my love for him and our marriage… not so much.[/b]

My gut has been saying to leave for months.  For the sake of our children and the stability I thought I had built for them, I am trying to work this out.[/quote]

NP. The bolded above really leaped out at me. OP, have you told him this, to his face, in exactly those words? Has this been part of couples therapy, your stating clearly and frankly that it took OTHERS' disapproval to move him toward change, when his own wife's tears and pleading could not? That is a profound wound to your emotions, your place in the family, your place in the marriage. It sounds like a profound wound that hasn't gotten anywhere near starting to heal.

Have you discussed this aspect of your feelings, without holding back? The fact that his wife wasn't enough of a spur to change, but the opinions of others were enough? He needs to have this made crystal clear and to take responsibility for being more focused on others' opinions than on the pleas of his life partner. I'd need to know that he recognized this issue AND was committed to never repeating it. Putting you ahead of others, basically. [/quote]

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