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[quote=Anonymous]I just want to note that this is classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) behavior. Since the affair has been discovered and admitted to he can no longer deny it outright. But he can deny it was a big deal, or deny that it matters anymore. He can attack OP for asking him questions, and he can turn himself into the victim (see all the "why are you punishing him??" comments in this thread, as though asking a question is a "punishment").

DARVO is really common in abusers but it can pop up in any relationship with unequal power dynamics or a lack of mutual respect and care. The goal is to distract you from their bad behavior or to make it seem like you are both equally at fault. So even though he was the one who cheated, he can use DARVO to relieve his guilt and absolve himself by making it seem like the fact that you don't trust him or can't "let it go" (both direct consequences of HIS actions, and not failures or flaws on OP's part) is equally to blame for your marital strife.

I'm not an expert so I don't know if you can fix this dynamic, but I know from my experience that dealing with someone who is DARVOing can be really demoralizing -- I think it's a form of gaslighting. In my case I had to separate and literally move on from the person because their denials and attacks came to feel almost as harmful as the original bad behavior. But in my case it wasn't a spouse, so it was easer to unravel that relationship (still emotionally very hard, but easier than dissolving a marriage).

Good luck OP. Know you have every right to still feel hurt and to still want answers.[/quote]

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