Reply to Post affair, husband tired of me bringing it up

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[quote=Anonymous]I know how you feel, OP. My husband was/is the same way. What I've realized is that his conflict avoidance spills over into anything that stresses him out. He shuts down conversations by getting upset about it being brought up, even if it's something small like planning a vacation. So of course with this big thing -- your feelings about his affair -- it's going to be magnified. Do you feel like your husband is the same way? (I think this is a common dynamic with affairs because conflict avoidance is a predictor of having one.) Because ultimately it's a form of manipulation, whether it's conscious or not. The conflict avoidant person tries to disincentivize you from bringing up things that cause them stress.

I think the only thing to do (if you're still committed to working on the marriage) is to lay that all out. Hey, have you noticed this dynamic where you shut down conversations that are hard for you? Can you work on that? My husband has been in therapy for many years since his affair and yes he's consistently getting better, but it's slow and steady. No one can shed their faulty coping mechanisms and become completely emotionally mature overnight. It's up to you whether the rate of progress is something you can live with. [/quote]

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