Reply to stubborn senior declaring she would rather die falling at home than go into a nursing home

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mother is 90 and still in good condition.  She's still working because she wants to, not because she needs to.  And she's in good shape.  That said, she's still 90 and we know it.  But Dad was 6  years older and passed 3 years ago when he was 93.  He had some short stints of going into rehabilitation and he hated those stays and never wanted to stay there.  He wanted to leave as soon as he could get anyone to sign off on letting him come home.  Mom cared for him at home, so she fully understands that those facilities are like.

My mother has a DNR and orders not to perform any actions that would prolong her life.  She is living at home by herself and she cares for herself.  The kids all live out of state, but we have a family friend who lives 1 mile from her and checks in on her about every other day.  She also has friends that she sees a couple of times a week and they would (and have) called me if they could not get a hold of her.

It's not ideal, but in the long run, I know that she is much happier at home than she would be in an assisted living facility and she's lived a long and full life.  So we respect her decision and we check in on her regularly and we stagger our visits with her so that she has kids or grandkids visiting as often as possible.  I think that cutting her life short by a few months is better than her living what she would consider a living h*ll for a few years.  I would rather she be happy with her life than have a longer unhappy life. [/quote]

I agree.  We promised our mom that she wouldn’t go to a nursing home.  When she fell ill, we rearranged our schedules to help her.  Not just her kids, but her grandchildren as well.  She died peacefully at home and I am so glad we kept our promise.  She was 87.  She was also welcome to live with any of us, if the situation came to that, but she wanted to live in her home.  It was the least we could do for her.[/quote]

I agree with you both. My dad died of cancer at home. I would never send anyone I loved to live in a nursing home unless they wanted to go.[/quote]

I think there are four main groups of elderly people that we are discussing:

1. Elderly, generally kind (or at least trying), recognizable as the same person even if older, with minimal to no need for assistance
2. Same as #1, except more moderate need for assistance and cares and/or more forgetful or with some mild to moderate personality changes
3. Same as #1 but severe assistance needs (unable to toilet or feed self, possibly on ventilator, complex medication needs such as multiple IV meds and port access)
4. Outright abusive and/or combative elderly people with severe verbal abuse, or escape risks with dementia (but can open locks and for fire safety reasons cannot keep them safe at home, and a physical hazard to others (biting, physical assault with serious bruises and broken bones, unrecognizable as themselves, not safe to be around children)

I don't know if some of the people posting find #3 and especially #4 to be invisible, but alas, your not acknowledging these circumstances doesn't make it go away for the people you are so quick to cast shade on. [/quote]

Thank you for this. I also wonder though if those of us with stubborn parents are also somewhere on the #4 spectrum where they have always been difficult and have ventured into abusive territory quite a bit. It could just be my small sample size. Those I know with truly pleasant parents who were raised in loving homes without more than run of the mill occasional dysfunction are not grappling with this issue. The parents planned and retired in ranch houses in communities where everyone progresses along to where they need to be when needed AL/memory care. The friends I know with these parents deal with the heartache of the call that mom is in the hospital, but mom willingly had an aide so it's just a matter of visiting her, not being the one to leave work, race over, discover her, stay with her in the ER and advocate yet again. Their parents have many friends and welcome help so they don't expect their kids to be a personal therapist, BFF, and servant. Most importantly these parents have empathy and self awareness. Just an entirely different universe from what many of us manage.[/quote]

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