Reply to My husband believes we seriously live in a matriarchy

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Is he?

My mom always talked about how my (gentle, generally easy-going) dad was the head of the house, but she has a dominant personality that reigned supreme in our house, .  She was generally a benevolent dictator, but her authority was definite.  As a teenager, my dad once tried to talk to me about how he knew my mom was being unreasonable, but I should try to be patient, understanding, etc.  I still regret calling him a doormat.

The point is that some people have take charge personalities and others are willing to let them.  Other times, a partner can bully the other to the point that conforming to their wishes is easier than dealing with the drama that will come if they’re opposed.  If conforming to their wishes leaves you with a negative feeling of 5.5 and opposing them cranks the negativity up to 11, the math is fairly simple.  Most individual issues really aren’t that big a deal.  Every relationship requires compromise and it’s not so bad giving in this time.  The problem comes when someone has to give in every time.

In my relationship, my ex-husband became the manipulative bully.  It wasn’t because he was sexist.  He was simply a controlling jerk.  He could be absolutely wonderful most of the time, until he wasn’t.

I have no idea about the actual dynamics of your relationship. Maybe you have a well-balanced relationship.  He might even have more power than you do.  I do know that in most relationships, as each member is an individual with strengths and weaknesses, one person will probably exert somewhat more influence, at least on the little everyday things (which is probably a beneficial, efficient system for a household). It really only matters if, when the other partner wants to assert their position, that it is given equal weight in the negotiation.

There are many matriarchy households.  There are many patriarchy households.  Many households may be based on roughly equal levels of authority, with the balance shifting situationally (one handles finance, while the other handles scheduling, one spends more time with the kids and has a better feel for how to handle them, and maybe one has special expertise with cars, gardening, home repair, etc.)  I suspect a lot of families say you handle your (childhood) family the way you want and I’ll deal with mine.  Each family establishes its own systems and hierarchy.  Hopefully, it works for all involved, but that’s certainly not guaranteed. [/quote]

What a load.  Any woman knows things go the man’s way 80% of the time in 90% of the households.

We all know women get stuck with the majority of household tasks and child care tasks no matter how much bacon she brings home. [/quote]

I wasn’t talking about 90% of households.  I was talking about my personal experiences with households.  Patriarchal households unquestionably exist and may outnumber matriarchal households.  It doesn’t negate the existence of matriarchal households, the fact that I was raised in a matriarchal household, or the possibility that OP’s family could be structured as a matriarchy.

Moreover, while division of labor is an important question for any household, it is separate from the question of whether either the “matriarchy” or “patriarchy”term applies.  Those terms relate to the division of power, which may affect the division of labor but is not defined by it.  Theoretically, a woman whose husband provides her with a maid, cook, nanny, chauffeur, etc., might not get stuck with any household or childcare tasks, and might not be obligated to bring home the bacon, but that doesn’t rule out the possibility that her household is run as a patriarchy.

You’re trying to make societal judgements.  I agree that socially, men have generally held more power and influence than women (although that’s gradually changing). Individual relationships/families, however, find their own balance.  Some personalities are more assertive, others are less so.   Those traits are not gender dependent.  I’ve known some very formidable individuals (both men and women) and some very easy going individuals (both men and women).  Both traits have social value, and both traits can be problematic when taken to an extreme.  The resulting relationship balance can be anywhere on the spectrum from a strong patriarchy to a strong matriarchy, and it may be completely distinct from how the individuals react to society in general.  I have no idea if OP’s family is a matriarchy, a patriarchy, or a perfectly balanced egalitarian relationship.  I only know that a determination can only be made by looking at the power balance within that specific relationship. [/quote]

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