Reply to Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, having grown up in a home like this, then unconsciously repeated the pattern, listen to your gut but know that if he gets 50% and you are not there to buffer for the kids it may be worse for them. A narc is not going to let you move away or give up his "possessions" unless it is by HIS choice. There is no great outcome for the kids. There is no getting them into a safe environment 100% of the time and from that safety beginning to heal. The rage will come back when he gets tired of playing at "reformed." The kids anger will likely be directed at you as the "safe" parent when they get older no matter what. But if you bail for your "happiness" creating greater risk to their safety (and family courts do not do a great job protecting kids) you will have to live with that. [/quote]

OP here- I genuinely do not think that he is a narcissist although I am not a psychologist and can't diagnose him either way.  Based on how he has behaved for the last couple of months I really do think there has been a major behavioral change, which I see as a positive particularly for the kids.  The shame of his parents, our closest friends, and our pastor all sort of asking him WTF was wrong with him was a big wakeup call.

But I feel he still doesn't "get" it.  He doesn't get how damaging this was to our marriage.  He truly doesn't understand how I wouldn't want to be with him since he is "good" now.  He really does want a cookie or a trophy for being good for a few months, and sees any coldness or frustration from me as an insult.[/quote]

I get it, OP. I'm the PP you are responding to. Whatever label you want to apply, he has changed due to his "image" being sullied and it is unlikely to last. He lacks empathy. You may get yourself out but your kids will be alone with a rager 50% of the time. As hard as the situation is for you as an adult, they will only have child coping skills. They will have feelings about that choice of yours. I'm not sure that you are getting that.

Consider getting the kids into something like Alateen as they get older. When they are adults they may benefit from Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Lots of people there struggling to not become the abuser, continue as a victim and to process feelings about both parents and the choices they made. Your kids don't have any good choices on the table, OP, but some may be less bad. Best case is if non-abusive parent has enough $ and abuser moves on and loses interest, stars almost never align that way.

I think you could benefit from processing trauma with a trauma informed therapist. When it comes to the kids think in terms of trying to mitigate the harm in ways that you can control. Your framing of all of this as a romantic relationship, which is has not been for years, leaves out what you can do to buffer their well being. Or leave them to the rage. That choice is yours.

And men like your ex LOVE family court drama, playing victim and playing experts as they did their therapists. You are right, if he can control himself now, he could all along. He chose not to. Those days are likely to come again. He enjoyed misusing power and control over those closest to him. Some people are like that. Being dragged to family court constantly can become a new reality and it is harmful to kids. As long as their is still $$$, and financial forms are filed, the lawyers and experts are happy to bleed you both dry. He may not be shoving you at that stage but he might get off on putting your job at risk with frequent court summons, for example. Leopards don't change their spots, you are right about that. He is never going to have empathy for how he harmed you, he is not wired that way, nor would his ego allow it. So let that go and focus on the things that YOU have control over putting the well being of young KIDS first.

Try framing it as survival, for you and the kids - physically, mentally and financially. The romance framework serves no real purpose. That is not the life you have right now. The yellow rock framing poster had some really good advice. [/quote]

Way to project, PP. You seem to be playing the expert to OP’s life, which is ironic.

OP needs to find herself an actual therapist to unpack the specific issues between her and her DH. She has to put in the work for herself. [/quote]

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