Reply to AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DH recently discovered that my MIL has been making interest only payments for 2 years on a HELOC she took out to modestly update her kitchen about 4 years ago (which was badly needed as it was an original kitchen from the 50s). The reason she hasn’t been making full payments is because 2 years ago she was fired from her job (which has happened to her multiple times) so she decided she was done working and was going to retire and take Social Security. She insisted she had enough money to retire if she lived frugally, but I am fairly sure she does not—hence the interest only payments on her loan—[b]which she also took out with a variable interest rate (groan). [/b]

She’s a kind person who sacrificed a lot financially to raise my DH but has made a slew of poor financial decisions. I am fairly sure that her only assets for her retirement are less than 50K in cash and around 150K in her 401K which she has not touched yet. She has no long-term care insurance, life insurance, stocks, pension, or anything like that and has avoided going to a financial planner for years despite much encouragement to do so. Her main asset is her house which she will (thankfully) pay off on a few years. She’s 69 and can work
But has said she doesn’t want to work full
Time ever again. So her plan is to do home sales of an MLM she does now (which hardly brings in any money) and [b]eventually for my SIL to pay her for child care (she’s due with a baby very soon).[/b]

Last night DH broached the idea with me
[b]Of him and his sister each giving her $4K and then having her (his mom) contribute a large chunk of her cash to clear the debt[/b], and I did not like this idea and we got into a pretty big fight.

I feel like it is irresponsible of her to have retired as an able bodied person who can work and just does not want to because of the stress without ensuring she has enough assets to do so. And I am pissed she has hidden this debt and I don’t want him to give away our hard earned money when we are trying very hard to save money for our own home updates and repairs (we own an older home which we bought knowing it needed some real work) and to pay for child care for our kids, save for their college, etc.

My DH tried to justify this by saying he will eventually inherit her house so it will eventually be his and his sister’s, and I disagreed saying no one knows the future, he or I could die tomorrow, his mom could live to be 100 and need to sell the house to pay for a nursing home or other medical care, etc. He thinks I am being a selfish jerk because my family does not look out for each other financially (I have been financially independent since I got my first job) and making this about me.

I feel like if he wants to do this, then there needs to be some transparency on her end,
Eg she allow my husband to take a full look at her finances and assets so there are no more surprises and he can help her plan, which he thinks is unreasonable. So, AITA?

[/quote]

I have so many questions.

1. What are the exact terms of the loan, how and when does the interest rate vary and is the range limited? I definitely see the benefit to getting rid of, or at least refinancing, this loan ASAP.

2. How much does SIL plan to pay MIL, and will that cover MIL's expenses? Or is it SIL pays for childcare (probably getting a good deal) and DH pays and gets nothing, so basically DH is subsidizing SIL's low-rate childcare? No thanks. Also, I expect this arrangement will fall apart because MIL seems to have no interest in working or being responsible, and childcare is work and responsibility.

3. SIL can go right ahead and ante up, I wouldn't agree to anything without confirming face-to-face with SIL exactly how much she'll put in. Do NOT take your DH's word for this. He's probably really conflict-avoidant and will tell you what you want to hear and spin things more positively.

4. Ultimately you might have to pay this out of love for your DH, but you can attatch a lot of strings. What about if you and your DH see a financial planner, for your own plans, so that he gets an external reality check on how bailing out MIL will harm his other goals. The people saying "it's just $4K" are idiots-- MIL has been irresponsible her entire life, and now $4K is going to solve the problem forever? Come on. It's throwing money into the trash unless you use this leverage to force some real changes.
[/quote]

And 5, your DH will not be inheriting anything! Come on! She's going to consume everything she has, and then some, just covering her own expenses. I'm sorry that your DH is a fool. If he's so certain he's going to get the house, why not give him and his sister title in 50% shares, with a life estate to MIL? There's nothing stopping you from doing that now.[/quote]

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