Reply to How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules.  I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again?  To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week.  But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.  [/quote]

If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.[/quote]

Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.[/quote]

I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.[/quote]

I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.[/quote]

Pp, I am just curious about the logistics of all this alone time you spend, plus a fulfilling career (do you work full time? How much PTO do you get?), do you do you outsource cooking, cleaning m, errands, driving kid, birthdays, and all that stuff? cause no matter how much I twist it and turn it, after spending 40 hours + at work, house and kid stuff, there is so little time I have for “me”. I am not asking about how you feel or what you find enriching, but the logistics of it all. How much time do you spend alone per week? How much travel you do alone?[/quote]

I work full-time, but in a relatively good work-life balance job -- kind of seasonal, so there are big lulls but also heavy weeks sometimes. Not as much WFH as I would like, but some. 4 weeks vacation but I rarely take all of it (I like to save some to roll over). I don't outsource anything except daycare and date night babysitting. I do the bare minimum in terms of playdates, birthday parties, activities - we spend a lot of time hanging out at playgrounds - I think that is the big timesuck for a lot of parents, getting too involved with organized stuff at too young an age. We have a small, easy to maintain house and I don't give a **** about how it looks most of the time. I travel both with kid and without. Not that much solo travel but occasional. I wake up VERY early so some of my me time/spouse couple time is in the morning. I am very strict about kid sleep and will enforce an early bedtime as long as I can.[/quote]

Do you have family help? How are you managing both solo travel and family travel? Your job sounds super flexible and chill, what is your DH’s job like? Do you live in the DMV, and if so, how do you make ends meet while working a job like this? Like how are you traveling without your kid, some solo travel, plus family trips?

It sounds like you are skipping over some money/childcare logistics that I’m betting are specific to you and not very universal.

It just sounds like you’ve worked out an unusually amount of flexibility in your schedule that isn’t realistic for most people.[/quote]

Not a ton of family help but enough to make a difference. 1x a month weekend babysitting etc.
DH job is solid and consistent 40h a week, so we both have a good work situation
We live close to everything in our life so commutes are short.
Yes we live in the DMV. We saved prudently for years and invested wisely in real estate. No family money on either side. The more you travel the more you accumulate points and stuff that makes travel easier.

No secret catch. I just choose to prioritize certain things and de-prioritize others that seem really important to people around here (big house in the best school district, multiple cars, lots of paid activities for kids)[/quote]

You are glossing over a lot, sorry. Two easy jobs, no overtime, short commutes, real estate “investments”… prudent savings from what income? You both work standard 40 hour a week jobs (it sounds like you often work less than 40 honestly), but you close enough in for short commutes? If not family, where does your money come from?

It doesn’t add up. Yet you are convinced other parents are stressed because they enroll their kids in too many activities. How old is your kid?

It sounds like you are wealthy or come from money, got lucky with work a bit, have one kid under age 5, have family help, AND look down your nose at families who struggle more than you do. But most of us have real jobs, no help, older kids. The difference between you and others is not a travel rewards card and the decision not to but your 4 yr old in Saturday soccer.[/quote]

Not going to provide any more detail here. I wasn't meaning to look down my nose at anyone, though. Just saying that there can be more than one version of parenting and it doesn't have to be as intensive as people in DC tend to make it[/quote]

Says the parent of one toddler or preschooler with family help, real estate investments, and a job not even working 40 hours a week. You sound like my trust fund baby neighbor who smokes a lot of weed and doesn’t understand why people can’t just be more chill.

You are absolutely judging people.[/quote]

Why be so angry at this PP? They are sharing their own experience - clearly if you have more kids (which is a choice) or busier jobs, it may not directly apply to you. It's just a perspective from one person who has been clear about some advantages they have.

That PP actually sounds a bit like our family, except with addition of 2nd kid it's gotten crazy again.[/quote]

The PP made this statement that I think is toxic for women in particular: “Parents should have full, enriching lives outside of their children regardless of the age of the child.”

And then went on to say that if people aren’t accomplishing this, it’s their own fault for over scheduling their kids. This is just the same, toxic “you can have it all!” BS that some of us have been fight for years. Only worse, because it’s not just that you should be a great mom and kicking butt in a full time job, but now if you aren’t ALSO successfully maintaining all your friendships, working out, pushing a hobby, getting in some solo travel, and enjoying regular “me time,” well obviously this is your own fault for enrolling your child in swim lessons AND soccer (never mind that the pediatrician harasses you about making sure your kid learns to swim yesterday and your kid begged for soccer).

Acting like this is accessible to most people and that if you don’t have it, you messed up somewhere is obnoxious. I’d be happy for the PP if she’d framed this as “I’ve been lucky to do this,” but I stead she took this scolding tone of “oh anyone can do this if you try.” Seriously: f*** right off.[/quote]

Oh, chill.  You are just jealous. Rich women worked hard at school and college and married well-off men too. They are reaping the rewards now. [/quote]

No, “just jealous” is being mad someone has something you don’t. I’m not mad about that.

I’m annoyed when people give advice to other people by pretending they are “just folks” when in reality they are wealthy. If you are wealthy, own it. “I have lots of free time and it’s great, I recommend it.” Cool, that sounds awesome.

PP is going out if her way to claim she is NOT wealthy but somehow has this weird job where she barely works (but it’s very fulfilling) can travel extensively with her family and also solo and sans kid, has a short commute, spouse who works a 9-5, AND has no help other than once a month babysitting from family and the occasional date night sitter.

And then she is claiming that if you don’t have this, it’s because you signed your kids up for too many activities.

If she’s rich (I’m betting she is, the math does not add up), just say that! Don’t assert that every one should be like you or you’ve figured some trick ou about parenting when in reality you have privileges very few people have. [/quote]

I think a lot of this is answered by saying they spent less on their house than some ppl and also have a good commute bc that was priority over schools. Plus 1 kids is less expensive than multiple. You don't have to be rich.

Solo travel easier too - not as hard for a spouse to watch one kid

Obviously ppl can make different decisions and yes more kids means less independence for the parents.[/quote]

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