Reply to Where to move for lower pressure schools?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]"where I've been hearing about the pressure from my clients and even others I meet outside of my profession when they talk about their children's experiences in high school. I have treated SO many kids anxious about not getting into a magnet program because of the messaging they receive from guidance counselors about having to go to a "state school" (oh no!) if you don't get into a magnet program. I have treated so many teens whose peers are doing college visits their freshman year of high school and scoff at those who even consider applying to state schools or small liberal arts colleges. I hear about all the pressure to pad your application with AP's and all the talk with peers comparing grades and obsessed about being in the top percent so they can get into a "good" college. I'm a midwestern farm girl who went to the college that had a horse on the cover and solely because of that and only applied there so I could join the college rodeo. I didn't spend my high school years stressed about hours of homework and getting into competitive colleges. No one I know went outside of the state college system or even talked about college. We just picked an in-state college that fit with our interests. I just remember having fun with my friends in high school, not doing hours of homework every night. And I have a PhD and have been in prestigious positions."

This is literally just absurd. I don't even know what to say.

First off, I'm guessing if you're a psychologist, you're familiar with the concepts of negative filters and catastrophizing, no? Not everyone at the "W" schools or in RMIB or Blair's magnet is under immense stress and pressure. Most aren't. You're only seeing these schools through a selected filter of students who need to see a therapist. So these allegedly "uber stressed" kids only represent a small fraction of the kids at "W" schools or magnets.

My kid goes to a W school and has been fine. The stress and pressure isn't too onerous, and he has a good group of friends. Most of the kids we see at his school seem to be happy, healthy, well-adjusted, and thriving kids. And these are kids who are at the top of the class (as those are the students my son tends to be friends with). I really think you're catastrophizing what happens at these schools.

I'm also guessing that if you're a psychologist, you're familiar with anxiety and avoidance. Kids NEED to be put into stressful situations and learn how to handle pressure and high stakes at some point, as the most resilient people are okay with failure. To build grit and resilience, your kid NEEDS to be exposed to stressful experiences that are out of their wheelhouse -- otherwise, they won't know how to cope with failure and build the grit needed to bounce back from stressful experiences.

I'm the OP of this post:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1067220.page

and I think it would do you a world of favors to start pushing your kids. They need that exposure to failure, trying again, grit, struggling through hard times, and stress in order to build the skills necessary to succeed as an adult. And high school is a great time to learn how to handle high stakes, stress, and pressure -- being an adult is stressful, and kids need exposure to handling that.

The whole midwestern horse girl schtick is absurd. No, your kids (and my kids, and anyone's kids for that matter) are not entitled to a "stress-free" childhood where you ride horses and spend all your time in nature and don't worry about academics or being a high achiever. That's not the type of childhood that creates well-adjusted, resilient, persistent adults. A childhood with appropriate challenges and healthy doses of pressure is one that prepares kids for the rocky road ahead.

PS: And you couldn't have had that many "prestigious positions" (whatever those are as a therapist) if you can't afford a house worth more than $400k. [/quote]

DP - go read some of Suniya Luthar’s publications.  What you’re doing is actually increasing your kids’ risk of negative outcomes later in life.  This one is a good starting point: https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Famp0000556[/quote]

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