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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me [/quote]

I don't struggle with my feelings.  I'm very comfortable judging them.

Our society functions because people work.  Those who choose not to work are riding on the coattails of those who do.  Most/all of them have value to add to society, yet they decline to do so.  That's selfish.

There's a lot of grey space in this perception.  Some SAHM/Ds are contributing through the legitimate care of their young or SN kids while [b]others are somehow okay justifying their days of yoga and book clubs by pointing to their clean house and transportation of middle-schoolers to soccer practice - things the rest of us do on top of full time employment[/b].  Some wealthy unemployed dedicate their lives to worthy causes, while others post on IG for clout.

I don't think this is a matter for therapy.  It's okay to judge poor behavior.  And enjoying the benefits of our society/culture/country while failing to contribute is exactly that.[/quote]

Can I ask you a logistical question? How does someone with a full-time job keep their house clean, get their kids to school/activities and all the other places kids need to be (with all the stuff they need with them for those activities)?

I'm not being snarky, I don't understand how this works. My kids are still young and I am trying to figure out how to make this work as they age into school and the best we've come up with is "hire housecleaners and a nanny to drive them to things and stay on top of laundry/food/etc." And as I'm pricing that out and looking at our salaries.... I am confused as to how other families make this work. I don't want to quit my job to clean the house and chauffeur the kids but I also just do not understand how this works logistically if you really do have two full time jobs, especially if they are both in person jobs and not the kind with flexible hours.[/quote]

PP here.

It's a good question.  It can be hard and sometimes something can slip - laundry piles up, you grab take-out instead of cooking, you don't change the sheets as often as you used to.  Your life will evolve to reflect your priorities.  Ultimately, though, I think it's the corollary to Parkinson's Law which says work expands to fill the time allotted.  Work can also compress to fill less time.

But I know that's not a helpful answer, even if it's the right one.  More tactically, you need to find the support structures that help you.  We never had a nanny, but we did use our school's after-school care through elementary.  We shared transportation duties with other parents.  Etc, etc.  [b]But, if I'm honest, for us the two biggest things have been 1) having a short commute and 2) having at least one spouse with a flexible job.  Those two elements make us lucky,[/b] but I've seen plenty of parents make it work without those advantages.[/quote]

+1  I will say the only actual jealousy I ever feel is toward those who have parents around who help with the kids. Those are the dual income parents who have it all imo!

PP.  Totally agreed.[/quote]

Same. Especially felt pangs of jealously when my parents opted to move near my sister when we both had young kids. I understood it -- it was a nicer area for retirement and my sister really needed their help more but still can't help my emotional reaction.

I did very PT/flexible freelance work when my kids were little so most of my "mom friends" then were SAHMs. Went back to work FT in an office, but still flexible hours, when youngest started K so now know a lot of parents who never took a career break. Some of my old SAHM friends went back to career jobs, some took part-time "hobby" type jobs, others stayed fully SAHMs. Everyone is trying to do their best given their individual circumstances. You likely don't know everything that goes into those choices so it's silly to judge.
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