Reply to Who should help take care of MIL? A very complicated family dynamic.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm confused- who are their children? the sons or the daughters?[/quote]

I believe the sons and that the sisters-in-law are OP and her DH's brothers' wives, but OP can confirm.[/quote]

Correct, BIL1, SIL2 and my husband are the adult children.

BIL1 and SIL1 bought my inlaws house where they live with MIL and FIL.[/quote]

So FIL and MIL have two sons and one daughter?

Or three sons?[/quote]

Correct, two sons and one daughter. [/quote]

Why is SIL1, who is not a daughter, responsible for taking care of MIL?  That is crazy.[/quote]

SIL1 agreed to buy the house with BIL1 because (her impression) is that she was doing BIL1 a favor because he wanted to take care of his parents. From my understanding, SIL1 and BIL1 were basically bailing out MIL1 and FIL1 who have been pulling home equity loans every 2-5 years over the past 20 years. The home purchase allowed the home to "stay in the family" which was BIL1 and FIL's wishes. It's been in the family for something like 80+ years. It should have been paid off 50+ years ago but there was snowballing home equity loans. There was very little home equity at the time of purchase and the actual value of the home was unknown because it hadn't been updated in 20+ years. The carpets are decades old.

SIL1, how she came to became the default caregiver, I don't know. BIL1 is very passive and wants to take care of his Dad. So he takes him on vacations and they do alot of things together. SIL1 just kind of accepts it and doesn't really speak out against it, up until very recently when the dynamic has shifted as it's been well over a year since they were supposed to move out and SIL1 is uncomfortable with needing to supervise MIL.[/quote]

If BIL1 bailed out his parents by buying the house, why does your DH think this means he should provide care.

OP, your post is a PSA. This is why we should all be saving tons of money for our own elder care. Can you imagine - a decades-long spouse, three adult children, and none of them willing to step up and organize good care.[/quote]

+2!  Awful situation.  FIL needs to get his head out of the sand and lead the charge on coordinating care for MIL that does NOT involve dumping her on SIL1 because he wants to go on weekend jaunts and can’t be bothered.  WTAF.  If I were her I would take a long trip away.[/quote]

It sounds like FIL/MIL have money issues if they had ti be bailed out in the house. So there probably isn’t money for actual care. They probably need to sell the second property and put that money towards care at the current house where they all live together. That was it’s not such a burden on SIL.[/quote]

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