Reply to How do I shut down toxic positivity from friends in a nice way?

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Reply to "How do I shut down toxic positivity from friends in a nice way?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]"I appreciate your overall positive hopes for me, but what will help me the most right now is for you to just be to support me in putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time."

Just tell them exactly what will be helpful to you--they'll want to know. Make it less about "don't do that" and more about "please do this."

Or save your "existential" worries and concerns for the therapist, and only confide in them for things they can actually help with: "I've got a crazy deadline at work and I'm worried that I won't be able to get a couple of decent dinners on the table this week. Is there any way I could trouble you to drop off a meal on Sunday?"[/quote]

NP. This is an extremely good and useful post above, OP.

There's an excellent script to follow in the first line. Give them specifics of how to help you in concrete ways. And if you're reluctant to do so because of any thinking along lines of "I have to be strong, so I'm not about to ask someone to drop off a meal! etc." -- please reconsider. Well-meaning, loving, longtime friends often say placating things they hope will help, when they would actually love to be given hands-on things to DO.

And please consider reframing how you're looking at them and their statements. You could risk losing real and supportive friends if you go full "you're Pollyanna" on them. Of course it's a bit tone-deaf to talk to you now about "finding someone else" etc.! But that doesn't mean they are being "toxic" on purpose. That's pretty strong terminology and might say more about your (very understandable) sensitivies than about their intentions.

What have you said to your therapist about this aspect of your friendships? Can you work with the therapist on how to react to this, both in your own mind and when you talk to these well-meaning friends?

I think that if you follow PP's "less of 'don't do that,' more of 'please do this,'" you might find the comments are reduced. And you can always add, "I know you mean well when you talk about my finding someone else, but right now, I only want to get through each day, then each week. What I really could use would be help picking up Sally from the sitter's next Tuesday because I have an appointment with the lawyer. Do you think...." etc. [/quote]

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