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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Is it possible that your brother was an "a*hole" because of how he was treated? I'm not just talking about "spankings". I think whichever parent abused your brother had no patience or tender feeling for him and took any opportunity to hurt him and justify it by labelling him as a bad kid. My parents were each abusive in their own ways and I observed at the time that my dad was roughest on my eldest brother and my mom was harshest on me. You seem hesitant to accuse your parents of abuse, by where do you suppose your rage comes from? I know I was affected not only by being beaten, but from witnessing my siblings being abused, as well. Please consider working on your rage feelings toward your kids. I promise they do nothing to deserve it.[/quote]

I know why I was an a**hole and got punished harder as a kid - it's because my sister was the Golden Child who could do no wrong and I was the Scapegoat who could do no right. I always felt that my parents were teamed up with my sister and against me, which made me resent my sister and be an a**hole to her, which led to me getting punished, which increased my resentment, and so on. [/quote]

I'm sorry that happened to you. Children aren't born aholes, they act that way for a reason. My eldest sister was the golden child and never got beaten. There was a time I was with her and couldn't have done something which enraged my dad. I was whipped with a belt and she didn't tell him I was innocent. My skinned swelled so much, it split and I bled. I was 9. I have never and will never spank or otherwise assault my kids. I don't view them as anything other than children, who are to be treated gently and with love. I hope you treat your kids gently, too.[/quote]

I'm a different poster. I think it's fine to do what you want, but some kids are born aholes. Like why are some kids doing super disrespectful things? [/quote]

Many people consider certain developmentally normal behavior from kids as "super disrespectful" because of their own issues. Like sometimes kids will break rules or do things they know will annoy their parents, on purpose, just to see what will happen. This isn't "disrespectful" unless you define respect as a child who always does exactly what they've been told, 100% of the time. That's not developmentally appropriate for children and childhood and adolescence are largely about using trial and error to learn about the world in a relatively safe environment. Kids who do stuff like this are not a*holes, they are just kids. And when they do it, it's a terrific opportunity to provide them with natural consequences for risky, rude, or inappropriate behavior, and to talk to them about why that behavior will cause problems down the road. All of which you can do without hitting them. This is literally what parenting is.

But if you just hit or ignore kids in this stage instead of, you know, parenting and teaching them, then they will keep engaging in sometimes escalating bad behavior. Maybe they become nihilists who figure "I can't do right so I might as well enjoy doing wrong," maybe they are testing the absolute limit of your relationship with them to see what will push you to throw them out or say you hate them (because at least then they'll know instead of living in fear of that moment), maybe they are just so freaking confused about what it even means to make good choices because they see their parents consistently raging and hitting in a way that is deemed fine and justified within their family, but when they do the same they are punished.

No kid is a born a*hole. I know that's hard to hear, but kids get that way through experience.[/quote]

I get what you are saying. But let's fast forward to the older years when kids aren't getting spanked....why are kids being nasty to one another, hurting one another, manipulating, doing drugs, constantly lying. Many of them have not been spanked. A lot of this is considered common for older kids but many parents have laid the foundation when they are young. I'm not saying spanking is the answer but the cop out answer of "Oh something is wrong" or "They are just kids" just doesn't do it for me. I don't believe people are always as "good" as some of you are trying to make it seem. I'm not perfect. But I've been around kids when I myself was in middle school, high school, college etc. and some of the things kids do is really not okay. I myself have lied and cheated yet I was not taught to do that. Whether you spank or don't spank I just don't think that makes a child "good". The "just kids" reminds me of all the people that justify bad behavior in later years. You know the boys that rape girls in college at some frat party...."oh they are just kids". I hate this statement.[/quote]

I'm not the PP from above. I think that it is important to consider the ways in which cultural norms change. There are many ways in which "kids today" grow up faster than I did (b. 1981). There is a lot of youth culture that is toxic, which I blame largely but not exclusively on social media. I personally think that the way they talk to each other is encouraged by online video games. It's like the kind of smack talk that would happen at sports stuff when I was a teenager, except it's relentless and not contained to one event anymore.

You could also argue just as strongly that the parents of today's teenagers over-parented them as children including over-scheduling them for activities, unrealistic expectations about academic and athletic success, and restricting personal freedom such that a 14yo today has zero experience behaving themselves in public without a parent to regulate on the activity.

But it's also important to recognize that there are a lot of parenting strategies that are unacceptable today. This is one of them. [/quote]

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