Reply to “The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

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Reply to "“The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”"

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[quote=Anonymous]I got turned onto gentle parenting as a philosophy when my kid was 2 and having tantrums/meltdowns. I read something that resonated really hard with me and it's sort of guided my parenting since then. I'll paraphrase because I can't remember the exact quote or source:

Small kids (toddlers/preschoolers) are just learning about how vast the world is, and trying to figure out their place in it. They don't know if they matter and they are trying to figure it out. When they throw tantrums or meltdown, part of what they are saying to their parent or caregiver is, "Do I matter? Do these feelings matter? Do I belong here?" And part of our job as parents is to say "Yes, you matter [u]to me[/u]. Yes, your feelings matter [u]to me[/u]. Yes, you belong [u]with me[/u]." You don't have to teach them that their matters are of paramount importance, or more important than yours, or than other kids, or than everyone in the world. You just need to reassure them that you care, and that they always have a place with you where they matter and their feelings matter.

My kid is much older now and I do sometimes make sure to instill in them the lesson that it's not up to everyone in the world to prioritize their feelings. That they don't have to tell everyone how they feel or expect everyone to defer to them. But I always make sure they know that I am available if they need to talk about their feelings, and I will be empathetic to them. They have a home where they matter and are welcome. Nothing could take that security and safety away. I don't ever want to sever or corrupt their trust in that, because I think it's the basis for their sense of security in the world. It actually makes them more resilient, because if the world is cruel to them (which it is, inevitably, to everyone sometimes) they know they have somewhere to go. They don't need validation from everyone because they get it from us.

That's the philosophy, as far as I'm concerned. I have no trouble telling my kid "Please hurry up, you are making us late" or "no, you may not hit me -- it hurts and I don't like it" or "it's time for. atom out for everyone -- let's go cool down and we'll talk in a bit when everyone is feeling calm." Those are all things I say as a parent. I still subscribe to gentle parenting. I don't see the issue.[/quote]

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