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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Indian-Am myself so very familiar with this process. Yes it’s a very reasonable way to meet someone, yes this girls marriage has a 99% chance of working. Yet what no one hits on - most of these marriages never develop the intimacy that regular marriages already have going in. Yes we all know intimacy alone isn’t enough for a marriage - as evidenced by the 50% US divorce rate - and similar values, culture, professional attainment, money views matter greatly. But a marriage where the love is in that - of course we respect each other/love each other bc we’re spouses  - kind of polite way just isn’t fun. AT ALL. This is what many Indian Am experienced growing up - marriage as business transaction. In our homes we saw -no holding hands, hugging, real joking around or belly laughs and I can only imagine the true private moments -let’s just say it’s done after 2 kids have arrived. Even Indian Am born and raised here going into this process tend to view marriage as a transaction; if they are in that lucky 0.5% they will have true intimacy + all the business objectives met w 2 drs, million dollar starter homes etc. But 99.5% chance it’ll be a good transaction w no true true love but they’ll stay in bc well what is love anyway/doesn’t exist - guaranteed either her parents or in-laws or both feel this way.[/quote]

Wow, that is fascinating. When I was growing up I saw a lot of friends in the Indian American community and always wondered if their moms were happy or how they felt about the arrangement.[/quote]

Pp here - so if someone close to those women asked them if they’re happy it’d be a - shrugged of course why wouldn’t I be happy - kind of response. This isn’t a culture where “true” happiness is a thing. So women esp from India/older think of happiness as I’m taken care of, nice house/things, my DH doesn’t abuse me, what else is there. The ones who are now older (like age 65-70+) who’ve gotten more western in their thinking with 4 decades in America and now many with kids who ARE making themselves happy whether that’s quitting investment banking, not going to med school if they don’t want to or marrying someone they actually love - NOW those moms are seeing what happiness looks like and it’s kind of heartbreaking as they’ll say things that you know they’re realizing they spent their whole lives doing what they were supposed to (and in that gen yes that meant a lot of cooking/cleaning to keep the man’s home bc every $$ had to be saved for their kids’ med school so no extra cash for cleaning ladies for yrs)/what DH wanted and while DH is perfectly nice, they never lived how SHE wanted (much less shared a passionate kiss just because).

For everyone saying American marriages don’t have intimacy etc either - it burns out, I get it. But I think most people when they date/at least first few yrs ARE kissing, hugging, holding hands, laughing together etc., and I do know plenty of couples who are on the same page with each other - you can just tell. I don’t think most people are in complete roommate marriages for the entire marriage.

I’m not saying it to dump on this girls marriage - it’ll work and she knows what she’s getting into. Just that this is a thing where the “process” of getting married can be easy but the actual marriage can be hard - on top of the usual marriage challenges.[/quote]

Definitely, understand what you are saying. I’m not Indian but also from a culture with more traditional roles and less individualism. It’s kind of hard to say because I see both sides. American individualism is out of control and could use a little tempering.

Re: business-like arrangement, any longterm marriage with kids is going to have a running a small business aspect to it. It’s just that in the Western marriage you add more expectations — sex, emotional intimacy, etc. I must be my spouse’s therapist, friend, lover, and so on. That’s a lot and maybe part of why some marriages crack whereas the really pragmatic kind that we see in our parents’ generation keep chugging along.[/quote]

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