Reply to "Walkaway Wife"

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to ""Walkaway Wife""

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I hear you saying he has changed but your feelings have not. Two things: first, you choose your feelings (they are created by your thoughts which are under your control). They are not just something that happen to you. Second, it’s hard to turn around a cruise liner. You were caught in a loop of (justified) negative thoughts for a long time. It’s unrealistic for you to expect to change your thoughts/feelings easily just because circumstances have changed. [/quote]
Thank you. I have tried to give myself that grace and he has also been very understanding about giving me time to heal. It’s taken him awhile to understand that this went on for years from my perspective compared to his emotional injuries which were more or less confined to my being emotionally absent last year.  We’ve unlearned some dysfunctional patterns which is great, I just struggle with how long we should tolerate this painful limbo before deciding it just won’t change. I guess your point is it can take a long time for those potential changes to happen and for a full deep love to return. [/quote]

I agree that’s true but it’s not a passive thing on your part. You have to choose to love him again. It’s not going to “return” you’re going to choose to make it your reality (or not). [/quote]

How many of us who believe in - and have experienced - falling in love would describe the initial "falling in" as a choice, though?  I understand, in part, what you are getting at, PP, but in practice and in concept, I think this is a hard idea for people who have married "for love" to grasp.[/quote]

Right, the initial falling in love happened before the years of emotional neglect. [b]Maybe somebody deep down doesn’t want to fall in love with a person who has harmed them. Not just because of that hurt, but then you know that person is capable of that. How do you know that when you work at it and do fall back in love, your spouse isn’t going to go back to doing the same things they did before? 
[/b]
I don’t know, this is hard. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. [/quote]

The bold was it for me.  Now ex DH showed me who he was with his behavior.  Yes, he tried to make it up to me once he realized how serious I was that our relationship was over.  From his perspective, he was doing all the work and was really serious about the changes. From my perspective, it was too late - my stomach would literally turn when he touched me.  I tried having sex even when I really wasn’t interested in him because it felt like I owed him because he was trying so hard, but it also felt very rape-y.

OP, my husband’s ling term behavior was very unsafe and unhealthy for me and no amount of ostensible change was going to shift mg gut judgment about him bourne out by years of experience.

He behaved awfully to for 20 years, and he has changed for 1 year?  No surprise you are uncomfortable sleeping with him.

The truth is that if he wants even a sliver of a chance to come back to a loving relationship, he has to be the one to accept the short end of the stick, potentially for years.  Not as punishment, but as reality. A truly loving husband would accept that.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics