Reply to Unhealed Betrayed Wives

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If there is one gift I wish I could give people, it is the understanding that everyone's experience is unique.

When you see someone in pain, who is doing things that you believe (or may even know) don't heal or might make it worse, it's so, so easy to say "why won't they just do what I did and then they could heal and move on." It's so easy! And if you struggled to move on, you will feel even stronger about it because it's like, yes, I know it's hard but I did it so you can too. So many people feel this way. It's really common among people with shared traumas.

But the truth is, you do not know or understand what the other person is going through. Even if you think you've been through the same thing. You don't know. Maybe their brain works different than yours. Maybe their childhood was different. Maybe this is the sixth time this has happened to them and it only happened to you once. Maybe they are over it 4 days out of 5 and you saw them on the 5th day, at their worst. Maybe they've been good for a year but they just found out their ex is marrying the person they cheated with. Maybe their dad cheated on their mom. Maybe the cheater was also an emotional abuser and they are still recovering from that trauma. Maybe they are a sexual assault survivor and the cheating simply re-triggered that trauma and that's what they are actually upset about. Maybe they have addiction issues and it's getting in the way of moving forward. Maybe their ex had addiction issues and they are still deep in the role of enabler and it's inhibiting their ability to move on.

And so on and so on. Everyone's situation is unique. Everyone comes to a certain experience with different baggage or emotional skills. People have varying levels of support from their families and communities. You just don't know. What worked for you might not work for them.

If something someone says bothers you or doesn't sit write with you, you can always just step away. Especially on a place like DCUM. You are not required to read any of these posts. The healthy thing to do (and I know it can be hard at times) is to just log off.

But raging against how other people feel will always be a fool's errand. You cannot change their feelings, you cannot alter the way they are processing their lived experience. If you are gentle and kind, you might offer insight that could help them, but it's up to them whether to use it and how (and it might just not be something that can reach them).[/quote]

See, it's the two or three raging bitter scorned women OP is referencing who need this lesson that everyone's experience is unique.  They envision EVERY affair as being with an ugly redhead, met on Ashley Madison, only saw each other once a month, looking for a meal ticket, yada yada yada -- all the sad details of their own husband's affair.  Oh, and all cheating men are having regular sex at home too don't ya know.  🙄  Over and over and over again, running every conversation with their generalizing.[/quote]

No.  You missed the context of pps post completely.  Completely.  Try reading it again. [/quote]

DP. The “context” was about the futility of raging about how others feel.

OP’s point was completely proven. She didn’t attack anyone. She commented on the frequency of vicious, out of control threads on this topic and a few crazy people jumped right in to attempt to drag her while engaging in that precise and pointless behavior. It doesn’t matter that she’s experienced the same damn thing and is giving another view, that view is an attack, while the actual attacks on her are just something that happens in a day ending in Y here. Pathetic.[/quote]

Exactly.[/quote]

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