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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  I appreciate the color on all these replies.

But I think maybe I didn't ask the question well.  I'm not trying to dismiss the individual issues that people may legitimately have with their inlaws.  I'm asking why we seem to let it affect us so much?

A lot of this is just annoying quirks or behavioral traits that I have to think, at least for me, just roll off my back when other people have them.  Of course their is truly reprehensible behavior out there.  But we comment on the faces they make, the type of food that is served and how they eat it, the types of stories they tell, the way they engage with their grandkids that is just...different than our subjective expectations.  With my own MIL, even when I can laugh about it, I am so ATTUNED to it.  I work myself up before visits, I am always paying attention for the next annoying thing to notice, etc.  Even after 20 years, I am predisposed to find my MIL annoying.  In contrast, comparable behavior from my own father I don't even really notice unless DH points it out.

I know I'm generalizing and I know that the holiday season will give a skewed sample judging just from DCUM posts.  But still, in the aggregate, it appears that our outlook toward our inlaws is so much more judgmental than it is to other people in our lived.[/quote]

[b]The thing that distinguishes my ILs from all other people is that they lay a claim on my time and energy but don’t seem to like or respect me.
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If I had friends or family who were as rude or dismissive of me as my ILs are, or who straight up ignored me in social situations as my FIL does, for instance, I would just walk away from that relationship. But since it’s my DH’s immediate family, and because we have young kids, I pretty much have to spend time with these people.

So yeah, if my MIL is doing some inane annoying thing, it bothers me way more than if a friend or my brother did it. Because I’m already annoyed to be around this person who treats me so poorly.

And like others, the treatment got worse when I had kids. It’s so weird because you’d think that’s something that would make people act a little more kindly towards a DIL or SIL. I truly don’t get why it seems to spur resentment and anger. And then the baby arrives and they were so demanding about time with the baby and the idea that it was a package deal with me (sorry, but newborn infants usually spend a lot of time with their moms, this is normal) only made them more resentful. It is so weird. It’s like they are excited about this new family member but, ugh, why is the human who manifested this person into being still here? I just cannot.

We leave to go see them tomorrow and the only thing keeping me sane is that we’re staying in an AirBnB and not with them. [/quote]

Same. Add to this that my MIL constantly tries to start fights with DH and I (each other) to try and destroy our marriage- and we have been together 17 years. We no longer see them - it is sad as they are the only close family we have in our area. [/quote]

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