Reply to Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m gonna be the fly in the ointment here and say maybe the therapist is not so terrible.

You describe your kid as being prone to high emotions and empathetic and “dramatic”. While you are more black and white and “let’s just fix it.”

When people, especially artists, feel things very deeply, and those feelings are dismissed or not treated seriously by other people (their family), it can be very wounding.

My parents also hate a “victim mentality.” But it means they downplayed and did not take seriously actual bad things that happened to me. “Oh you are so dramatic”  
They would try to talk me out of my emotions, and get frustrated if I would not quickly be returned to even Keel.

The result is that I stopped talking to them about what was really going on with me. They really were not parents for me other than providing me with things and experiences. I was kind of emotionally on my own. They sent me to camps and supported my hobbies. It’s easy to do that, you just write a check. But in terms of being able to sit with me and listen to what I had to say and be truly empathetic… That just did not exist. I was constantly being told that I was feeling too much, I was feeling the wrong things, or that they were something sort of wrong with me for the way I was. I think that’s what your kid means if she says she feels like she was born into the “wrong family.”

Honestly I would just stop thinking about your kids career path and having thoughts about it (You can set boundaries like you know you have to move out of my house, I won’t financially support you, whatever without being judge mental about your kids choices) and focus on supporting your kid emotionally, Which would  mean acting in different ways than you have up until now. Rather than just blaming the therapist, maybe consider the possibility that someone outside of your relationship see something true about your interactions. Your kid is expressing anger and disappointment and rather than being annoyed at this, you should be grateful that she’s trying to have a relationship with you. Because I can tell you at this point I would not even attempt this with my parents, because I know they would not take anything I said seriously and not seriously consider the possibility that they really hurt me when I was young because that is just too painful for them. A lot of times artists are willing to face pain in ways that other people are not. They use it to make beautiful things.
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This! You may not be capable of giving her the emotional support she needs and that's OK, but it will lead to a more distant relationship. Blaming her for everything and writing her off as an eccentric overly emotional brat will not help. There is a middle ground. I think the nature of this post is off. It paints OP as such a great mother and her daughter as such a jerk. Maybe she is that bad. Who knows? In that case I would get expert help to manage things. I don't think having a bunch of people on the internet tell you she is awful and spoiled and self-centered and narcissistic will help you have a healthy relationship with her and promote her eventual independence and well being. I also think people are so quick to want to cut off the one place she feels supported and safe-therapy. it would be very rare for a therapist to brainwash someone. Most likely a lot is coming out and she is making choices the therapist would not support like blaming you for everything. That said, if your kid is struggling, you don't kick them, tell them to get over it and stop being a victim and then show them the door. If she wants to do a session with you and the therapist I would do it, but I would not impose yourself and ask for permission to speak to the therapist as someone suggested. It makes it seem like you want to control things and make her out to be the bad guy. Let her have her safe place to sort things out and work on not letting her push your buttons. You are still the parent. When she was a toddler, did you get upset everytime she told you she hated you or you were a bad mommy? Do you think she actually meant it? She is going through growing pains and taking it out on you. Not OK, but not worthy of getting so upset. She was robbed of some crucial development thanks to the pandemic. Give her some grace to grow up.[/quote]

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