Reply to If someone is really in love can they still cheat?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote] Anonymous wrote:
[b]I think people cheat because they feel unloved, unappreciated, undesired. [/b]

Yes, they may still love their partner very much. Even be in love with them and want to stay in the marriage. [b]But some of their fundamental needs are going unmet so they cheat to feel satisfied again. To feel like it’s ok for them to have needs, which are often getting shut down due to issues in the primary relationship. [b]

It just isn’t so black and white like you love someone and so you don’t want anyone else. [/b]I really believe that if your needs are satisfied and you feel good then cheating won’t be appealing[b] — why put in the energy? If people do there has to be a reason.[/quote]

This is complete BS and you are a cheater’s apologist.  Read this thread.  Many, many people cheat because of childhood trauma, sexual abuse, narcissism, mania, etc.  Despite what open marriage guy wants you to believe, cheating almost never has anything to do with the spouse.[/quote]

I didn’t say it had to do with the spouse. I think if your needs are not being met in the relationship you need to do some work to dig deeper and look at why. Maybe it has to do with your spouse. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s the dynamic.

Regardless, we are talking about two different things. I’m talking about why people feel motivated to cheat. Why the desire exists. You’re talking about why in the sense of a justification.[/quote]

NO. You cannot place that on the spouse.  Some of these people who didn't have mommy or daddy's attention, or one of them walked out on the family, or there was an alcoholic parent (and the family learned to lie to cover for it--which sets the pattern for ease with lying and compartmentalization), domestic or emotional abuse in the home.  These people grow up in midlife and equate 'DRAMA' or 'STRIFE' with being loved or 'family'.  So--when their home life is stable and everything is good at home---they seek out the drama and external validation from outside partners.  The feeling of unease and thrill and lying.  People like this can have the best spouse in the world, AND still be having sex at home. Nobody would be able to fill their deficiencies---no matter how smart, intelligent, loving and sexy--over time.  These people need to address their inner void.  Brain imaging scans show that kids that suffered that type of strife in their childhood homes have actual brain changes, pre-narcissism ,bpd, etc.  Continued therapy to address their coping skills and to address their inner child and void can make them whole again.  The problem is, so many of these people completely blow up their lives/relationships instead of doing this hard work---and/or they think nothing is wrong with them--it's always someone else's fault.

[/quote]

Right. And that’s why I said they have to dig deeper and maybe it’s them.

Sometimes it’s not though. [/b]Sometimes it is the spouse.[b] I mean surely you can accommodate different life situations in your view of the world? I’m not saying if it is the spouse that justifies cheating. But if you want to get to the root cause of a behavior, consider both internal and external factors.[/quote]

NP.  I am very disturbed by your inability to acknowledge that your framing is just a way of blaming the spouse.

In a mature, adult relationship, people express their needs explicitly and verbally and negotiate for them to be met.  In a mature, adult relationship, people acknowledge that one partner is not going to be able to meet all their needs and they negotiate about or create the other relationships in their life that meet those needs - but in a monogamous marriage that is done explicitly, transparently and honestly and can involve other non-sexual friendships and activities and, by mutual partner consent, other sexual relationship (which can vary widely in type and May or may not involve third parties).

A core part of the work that many abusers have to do in therapy is to stop blaming others for their feelings and explore the connection between what happens to them and in their life and why they respond with certain feelings and whether those feelings are reasonably sized, appropriate for the situation, provoke effective response/solutions and are manageable.

Your view - that another Human #1 is responsible for Human #2’s happiness, fulfillment of all/any needs, to feel loved, desired, etc.  — is at its core the belief that drives abuse.  I literally do not have the power to make another human being feel any specific feeling.  I may send my actions into the world with the intention of making another person feel loved, but the reality is that how my actions are received and interpreted is solely within the control of the recipient.

Your logic is no different than saying that a woman who is hit by a man because he feels angry or insulted or ill-served is the cause of his abuse. [/quote]

I agree with all that. You seem to not have room in your picture for the idea that a woman who is being abused in a relationship might seek comfort outside of it. Or a man. I think you need to look at why you’re so resistant to that possibility, which to me seems totally understandable and fits within everything you’ve said. Some people aren’t capable of relationships and if you’re married to one of them but don’t want to leave because of the kids or for financial reasons maybe you would seek love elsewhere.[/quote]

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