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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, if I were in your position — two kids who don’t sleep well, husband who wants things to be nice around the house and wants sex and wants sleep and doesn’t want anyone else in the house because of germs — here’s what I would say:

“Larlo, I just don’t have the bandwidth to do my job plus nursing in the night plus doing fifty percent of all the work to keep the house to the standard you want. I’m exhausted. I know you are, too. We need to change something, and I’m open to a lot of options about what that should be — maybe we should switch to formula, maybe we should see if we can move to a lower COL area or one of us can find a higher paying job so the other one can stay home, maybe we should relax standards about housekeeping or relax standards about covid, I don’t know. But the status quo isn’t working for me, and it doesn’t seem like it’s working for you either. We’re both burned out, and we need to make some changes. Can we tackle this together, you and me vs. the world?”

This might not work for you like it would for me because your husband sounds like he’s made this a you vs. him thing, but if you can’t try to solve your problems as a team I think your marriage is in serious trouble. [/quote]

Thank you. I wish I could approach this with him like a team. We’ve been together 15 years and unfortunately very slowly over many years the balance has just shifted to him controlling more and more household decisions. He will adamantly deny this, or say that it’s my fault because I’m indecisive or I cede decision making to him, but frequently when I do make decisions or take action he routinely criticizes me so I feel like I cannot. Like if I put Larlo in shorts for school (when he normally gets her dressed) he will say, why did you put Larla in shorts, it’s too cold for that, and go change her. Or if I make dinner and it’s not ready by 6:45 he starts complaining about how the kids are now going to go to bed late because dinner isn’t ready (but it’s totally ok for him to get dinner on the table after 7, or even 7:30). Or when we took Larla to a new pediatrician and I did all the work to get the appointment, research the doctor, get the medical records transferred (multiple calls to the original pediatrician, new pediatrician, and records company due to some issues) pack a bag with everything for the visit, nurse Larla before we go, etc. But then when we are in the car on the way there and get there it’s not clear where to park when we arrive he starts peppering me with questions - where are we supposed to park? Do they validate parking? How are we supposed to get from the parking garage to the building? And honestly, I hadn’t figured it out. I was just going to wing it. But he takes the opportunity to say, “when I do things like this, I handle it. I take care of all the details. And you don’t. And now you’re just handing me a problem.” (In this case, apparently the 3 minutes it took me to look on the website and Google maps the parking garage were unacceptable to him and me handing him a problem.). I sometimes wish people could watch this dynamic and I could get a gut check on who is the one being unreasonable because he makes me feel like I am responsible when my gut tells me he’s the one who is being overly controlling and particular. [/quote]

He's gaslighting you. Get a therapist NOW.[/quote]

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