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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Her dad was relatively stable and offered her a clean, safe place to stay, with backup care for Maddy when she was sick. I kept waiting for there to be strings attached or for him to be a monster.  But her only reason for moving out was a realization that YEARS PAST when he was an alcoholic, he hit her mother.   He's now sober, a Christian, and keeps on her ex boyfriend to get him to go to AA meetings.  I think she was crazy for turning down his help.  She should have done almost anything to stay with him and his wife who also seemed kind and stable.  [/quote]

I completely agree with this. I think it’s just people and liberal shows hating on born again Christians mostly. [/quote]

I haven’t read the book, which would have given a much deeper understanding of what drove her to make the decisions she made, but one thing I do understand about people who grew up in chaotic and traumatic environments and actually go on to lead semi productive to productive lives is that your thinking, developed out of a need to survive becomes very rigid and black and white.

In young adulthood we all suffer from black/white, good/bad thinking but survivors of childhood trauma become overly so, there is a need for hyper vigilance because it helps you to survive. Also the problem is that while he dealt with his demons and took the time to get well he knew but ignored the hell she was living in. His thinking was also very black and white, he couldn’t understand that the boyfriend was him in the the stage that he was very destructive and not a good presence in his daughter’s or wife’s lives. That she needed to get herself and her child away from him I order to break the cycle.  Abuse is generational. Her father also likewise the victim of abuse. A person with a less severe upbringing can have more balance before you model the behaviors of your parents. You are programmed from birth to make better decisions. It isn’t really something that you think that deeply about. You do what you know.

AA, born again what ever you call it the idea is that you relearn and submit to a higher power, you are given the guide book that you didn’t get in having a stable family of origin. If you follow these rules it will all work out ok. You may not rise to super star status but you will stay clean and blunt some of the damage you could otherwise cause.  For a person of average intelligence it is a win win. The life you create is good enough. As king as you don’t do x then your base problems are solved, it doesn’t mean you thrive but the routine and healthy hs it’s so keep the wolves at bay.

For someone like Alex that life wouldn’t have been enough she had a survivors mentality, she made bad choices because she was programmed to do so, but once she made them she was capable of realizing she had to do better.  It didn’t keep her from making bad decisions. Nate would have been a bad decision for her and ultimately him. She was a long way from accepting that kind of caring in her life.  She saw what happened when you relied on other people and for the people she grew up around self reliance was all she had. But Nate and the other people in her life did serve a purpose they taught her that good people could help you on your way to getting better to charting a more stable path. She wasn’t supposed to stay in any of those situations but each person inspired her on her path. She wanted a Nate’s stable life for her daughter but first she needed to be able to provide that for herself and her daughter. Nate would have been exchanging her struggle for healthy independence. Sure he seemed like a good guy but She has to move on and find her own way. Because ultimately we only have ourselves. And Nate clearly had his own journey to go on. Alex couldn’t be his shelter in the storm. She was barely surviving she needed much more than a roof over her head and a dependable guy. The dependable guy in the end wanted something from her that she couldn’t give. He wanted to feed the broken bird and have her be ok with what was good enough for him. She wanted more even if it meant going back to what was familiar, Nates path was linear because his role models were linear. Much like the AA 12 steps or even born agains. Alex’s path wasn’t linear, she took steps and leaps backs (her alcoholic abusive ex) and steps sideways (the benign Nate) but ultimately the way forward was in finding not the substitute dads (Nate (good dad) her ex (bad dad) (black/white) but in finding a tribe of mothers and sisters who either like her mom were survivors (the domestic violence shelter director/stable version of mom), group therapy women, different versions of her All with different capacities to turn their lives around, the Reginas, social workers, lawyers, women whose houses she cleaned whose lives weren’t perfect but who still managed to do better in their own ways. They’d fallen, or were on the brink (hoarder with trauma, too many kids, not enough money and a special needs kid and maybe a good husband, but who knows) for now she had a Messy roof Over her head. You get the feeling though that she to was on a downward spiral, but hadn’t reached bottom presumably because she had safety nets, sister who gave money, husband who worked, or social services. Unlike Alex who had no one in her life who could scrape together more than 5 credit card dollars for cash.
But she was also able to teach and offer Alex help. Cleaning referrals to other similarly broken women, who had roofs over their heads and enough  back and then steps and

Regina was also a strong role model. Her life wasn’t perfect. But when her husband left her world didn’t crumble because she was her own foundation.  The man didn’t give her security. The opposite really he made her doubt herself it was only when she let him go that her skin became easier to live in. And she in kind was able to reach back safely and see the Alex’s pain and her own pain.  Without fear that seeing Alex’s problems meant eventually she would have to start seeing and not just powering through her own.

Haven’t read the book but the movie also had a lot to chew on.[/quote]

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