Reply to When Does It Start Getting Easier

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but [b]the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table.[/b] We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now. [/quote]

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical.  First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road.  Second, nothing is given.  You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it.  Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on.  Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street.  That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids.  I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision.  DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.[/quote]

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.  [/quote]

NP. You said that you look at the reward as 30 years down the road. YOU said that. PP only pointed that out and said she enjoys the life she has NOW. Clearly she struck a nerve...[/quote]

NP here, and I totally agree with defending the PP above.  I get to some extent the "envision who you want around the table in 20 years" but I'd rather see "life as a journey, not a destination". I want to enjoy those 20 years leading up to the dinner, too.  We're stopping at 2 because I'm afraid a third would tip the balance from loving more of my life to enduring more of my life.[/quote]

Aw, thanks for sticking up for me, PPs. :) I truly didn’t mean to strike the nerve I did, or any ill-intent, only to point out that looking that far ahead is an awfully long time to endure, as you put it so well, PP, rather than enjoy.  I feel exactly as you do about having a fourth, and so we didn’t.

I still don’t know where that PP got the idea that I don’t think my kids will want to see me when they’re adults.  DH and I sometimes joke about particularly embarrassing kid photos that they’re already slated for the rehearsal dinner slide show, so it’s not like we never think happily about our long-term future.  But this past year has made me even more determined to enjoy the life I have now as much as possible, warts and all.[/quote]

I am the original PP. I think you and others have vastly misunderstood my point. Of course I enjoy the day to day. I love children, that's why I'm a stay at home mom to three toddlers. But OP asked specifically when it gets better...the thought that gets me through the particularly hard moments is that I will have a large family someday. If you don't need that to get through the day, great! Good for you. But to act like it's "illogical" (your words) to have that thought is kind of ridiculous. Especially since a lot of us have that thought! It really comes across as shaming anyone who tells themselves they're putting in the work in now for a goal down the road. That's how life works. We work towards something, we build something. Each positive interaction I have with my child is building something.

There's a trend I see here that minimizes the importance of family. Lots of posts "well you can't make your kids like each other, or like you". Something tells me you're in that camp. We have VASTLY different parenting philosophies and approaches to family and we're obviously very different types of people. Please keep an open mind that other humans look at parenting and family differently than you. [/quote]

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