Reply to Lonely, Empty Marriage After Dead MIL

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I reported the gotcha bully and every post that was derailing this.

OP, I feel for you.  It's a tough situation.

I was surprised when you said you stopped couples therapy because husband was spinning web of lies.  I guess I think that's where he's staerting-  those are the things he believes.  So you have to go into therapy to come to a mutual understanding of your life together.  It would take time for him to get there.  I think couples therapy is not a terrible idea, but it would take a LONG time.

During that time, you can start making your plans..  Those plans should include individual therapy.  If nothing else, figuring out how to drop the anger at your husband would be productive.  It's warranted, but just like the bully, it does you no good to stew about his lies 8 years ago.  That happened, and here's where you are.

I am also curious why DH still wants to be married to you.  There must be something there.  And like another asked, what kind of daad is he?  Does he actively love his kids?  (how is he when he is around his family?).  Does he coach soccer or whatever and help with special needs kid?

If you got pregnant quickly, and have bene together about 8 years, your kids are roughly 7 or so.  I'd imagine 12 or som might be enough for kids to be able to understand what is going on and express their own preferences for custody.

[b]so, I'd advise a 5 year plan. Can you tough this out for 5 years?  What do you need to do to make it for 5 years and be in a good position to divorce at that point.   stick to that.  [/b][/quote]

+1 to this.

I am curious - what is your husband's reaction when you confront him on his relative's racism? Does he acknowledge it? He sounds like kind of a mess - any chance he would GIVE you full custody? Whatever you do, I'd find a lawyer that has fought a nasty custody battle and work towards a plan with him/her. Unless things change and you regain affection for your husband I don't think it's fair to or healthy for you to remain in this marriage for the next 12 years.

[/quote]
OP here. The man will literally lie to my face and tell me he didn’t hear racist things his parents said loudly right in front of him. He will admit everything only under massive duress, such as when I told his parents they weren’t allowed over anymore and he cried for a week telling me they’d all change. He confessed everything then and said that he just hadn’t known what to do about them. Any respect I had left for him was gone after that. [/quote]

You seem very resentful.  I understand the need to protect your kid and would have taken the same approach of cutting off the in-laws.  I think you married this person and have kids with this person for a reason.  If he shared his parents attitude you would not be living as husband and wife.

You need to communicate with your spouse.  Perhaps therapy can get you to the point where you aren't always communicating from an angry space.  I think your relationship can actually be healed but you have to want to try and next your husband has to be willing to listen. 2020 alone presented several opportunities for discussion about race and how hurtful words can be.  Sometimes sharing those things and allow people to empathize can help.  Perhaps a change of scenery can heal your relationship. Moving away from the toxicity can help.

If you divorce I guarantee you your children will be exposed to more of those comments than they are now.

Wishing you all the luck. [/quote]
OP here. I appreciate your advice. I do need to process a lot of anger. I'm glad people have brought up Trump and George Floyd because it was really hard dealing with these in laws with the Trump era as a backdrop. I'm really upset and hurt.[/quote]

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