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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Of course, you can’t control him, but you can control yourself. Decide the usage you can handle and act accordingly.  For me, I could not accept the nightly usage. I would insist on a visit to his doctor and I would accompany him. If he balks at this, you have your answer.[/quote]

That’s treating him like a child.

I mean, I guess you could divorce over this but I wouldn’t. [/quote]

It shows you are serious. Do you really think this guy is going to inform his doctor that he needs his weed every night? [/quote]

It’s none of her business what he says or doesn’t say to his doctor! She can express concern but that’s it unless she’s really willing to separate or divorce over the issue. Trying to be constructive, I’d suggest therapy for OP to help her process her feelings over it and make a choice. But trying to be his mommy won’t work and is pretty toxic. [/quote]

While it’s true that the spouse should have some confidentiality with a treating psychiatrist or therapist, that doesn’t prevent the spouse sharing his/her view in therapy.  It’s actually considered a best practice for a psychiatrist to get the perspective of the spouse when treating mental illness.  Patients often under report or mis-report their mood, which results in a faulty diagnosis.  If the spouse is causing problems that negatively exacerbate the patient’s mental health, then the psychiatrist can address that with the spouse and/or the patient.

You are right.  Trying to be a Mommy is toxic.  But that is not necessarily what’s going on when one spouse has mental illness.  It’s often the case that the mentally ill person doesn’t have enough insight into their own symptoms to be an accurate reporter.  That’s so common there’s actually a technical medical term for it - anosognosia.  It’s also the cases that spouses often feel that they have a responsibility to help a mentally ill loved one because they promised “in sickness or in health”, and mental illness and substance abuse are types of illness.

My spouse was self- medicating with alcohol and unprescribed drugs to cope with bipolar.  It was evident to me that he was struggling with some kind of depression or anxiety.  I asked him to see a psychiatrist.  I went with him a few times.  Perhaps you consider that being a “Mommy” but I was concerned because he was clearly ill.  Sadly, he decided he didn’t want to stop drinking, and I decided that I didn’t want to live with someone that refused to take care of his mental illness which resulted in a heavy emotional and parenting burden on me.

The good news is that about 6 months after I broke up with him, he decided to see a doctor and get medicated.  His life now is more stable and he is a better parent now than when he was untreated even though we no longer live together.

This is a common dilemma for spouses of the mentally ill - how to be supportive, how not to parenting and how to protect oneself and children from behavior that is abusive although it is driven by mental illness instead of mal-intent.  These things are in tension with one another.

OP, you might want to go to Narc-anon meetings or, participate in some NAMI support groups or classes (if you think depression or anxiety are the root cause).[/quote]

This is all good advice in general. OP hasn’t said how much pot use affects his ability to hold down a job and parent. Based on what she did say, I thought it seemed within bounds as I doubt the older terms notice but who knows. I admit I’m a little puzzled about why regular alcohol consumption is considered ok but this isn’t which is affecting my responses. [/quote]

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