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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Observation: nothing about your family and marriage appears to be "team" based but rather you vs husband. Each/both of you see everything as transactional and to be divided or jealously guarded--whether time with you kids (which , I get, little ones are hard, but where is together family time?); or your finances (I can't even really understand with the accounts, but that doesn't matter, the point is that each of you views the other as a threat--to time, to money/financial security, etc. You are each in a war and it is unwinnable and you are so far down the hole you can't get your way out without a  ton of effort.

I dont have great advice, except your problems are bigger than divided weekend time or whatever. I also think the biggest source of your resentment is that your husband has not gotten a 'real' job in the past 4.5 years and refuses to consider anything that might just be a decent, good job for the family. That would infuriate me too. But I do not think you will get anywhere right now, during a pandemic, working from home, with small children, and this amount of anger. my suggestion is that for the time being, you get part time care for the kids. Yes, you feel like it gives your DH a pass but it also, for now, reduces the source of fighting and frankly you need to back off on that and take care of yourself. Secondly, it takes away his excuses for not working. Thirdly, you two need counseling.

Not sure you can save the marriage, but maybe. Honestly, though, I think that if i were you, I'd back off, no matter how angry you are and unfair it seems, get your kids out of the house for a good chunk of the day (or have a nanny from after nap to dinner time) and the funds for the nanny will come from joint funds and you'll have to cut back in other areas. If he balks, then he needs to be willing to entertain/watch/educate the kids from 9 am to 5 pm, while you are on your job. The rest of the time can be split evenly. This is the same advice I have for SAHP--during the regular work day, each parent is working, one out of the house and one in the house. THe rest of the time, kid and house duties should be split. SAHP should make reasonable effort to take care of house things during the day if possible, but that depends on ages of kids. etc.

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Op here. Thank you for the long thoughtful reply.  I agree, we are in a war. You are 100% correct, that the biggest source of my resentment is the lack of a "real" job, and maybe even moreso, the refusal to CONSIDER a real job. It is my fault for keeping this bottled up. I should have forced this conversation 3 years ago. A year ago. 6 months ago. Now the resentment is so deep I can't see out of it. [b]I have said to him, begged, so many times over the last 4+ years. PLEASE seriously apply for and consider something stable, with benefits, with a predictable salary. So that YOU as a person and WE as a family can get back on track. Getting a regular paycheck and having a predictable schedule will go miles towards building back your confidence, building back savings, staying current with skills/resume, and making connections for the type of gig you really want. I HAVE BEGGED. I have legitimately prayed. [/b]

I'm in tears and angry as I write this. I've been lying to myself, my family and my friends. When people ask, I make his/our situation sound a lot more robust than it really is. My family keeps asking why he doesn't seems to want a "more traditional, predictable job and income." I lie and tell everyone that he takes on the lion share of child care and domestic responsibilities. No one knows that 4-6 weeks at a time go by with zero work projects, zero income. He happily spends several hours a week doing volunteer work for a charitable org. I have become resentful of even this. Time/energy for phone calls, fundraising, volunteer work, but where is the time/energy to get a 
[b]
With a straight face, he asked me recently when would be the best time, schedule-wise, for him to go golfing with a friend during the week. [/b]

At the time he lost job, we were both salaried, he made 210k gross, without bonus. I made 110k.
Right now, I make 135k. His income changes every year, since he is only doing contract work. This past year was his highest gross, by far. 80k.[/quote]

!!
best time to do this is on the weekend. During the week shoud be devoted to work, caring for kids, or looking for work![/quote]

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