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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I feel you, OP.  I was in a similar (although not as extreme) position for a while.  None of these are complete fixes, but here is what I recommend:
1.  Think hard about what home/kid stuff is truly necessary for your kids to be happy/healthy and for your house to be livable. forget about everything else and let it go for now.  You guys are in crisis, so eyes on the prize.
2.  Figure out which of the items from #1 you can take on without burning out and/or seething with resentment all the time.
3.  Tell DH you are not doing to rest and that he needs to handle it.  Then, and this is the truly hard part, do not pick up his slack.  If he drops the ball or tries to pass it back to you, just hand it back to him.  Repeat as necessary.
4.  Appreciate what your DH does do.  Even if it's not his share or as much as he should be doing, make an effort to consciously notice what he does and to compliment him on it.  This will help decrease your resentment and will provide him with positive reinforcement which will make him want to do more stuff.

I don't think you need to get rid of the nanny.  I held firm on no nanny when my DH was underemployed, and it really hurt my career and undermined my happiness.  On the one hand, its not fair that you are paying for a nanny when your DH has no job.  On the other hand, fair or not, it may be what you need right now to make this work.

Hang in there.  [/quote]

Thanks so much for this helpful response
I definitely feel like we’re in a crisis right now and it’s going to reach a head

The thing is that we’ll agree what he’s going to do, he’ll say he doesn’t want to do the stuff but he’ll agree to take responsibility for it. Then he’ll just completely drop the ball! That’s what makes me so mad. I don’t get to drop the ball plus I’ve got to pick up his slack 
We’ve been doing this dance for a couple of years but with Covid I’m so overwhelmed at work yet he takes advantage of me being distracted not to do his stuff

He’ll say he’s not taking DS to music lessons because DS doesn’t enjoy them
But we’ve already agreed and paid for a season

The appreciation doesn’t come easily right now because I’m so resentful
I need to figure out how to shake this off but he reinforces the fact that he doesn’t really care so often that it’s getting worse not better

[/quote]

I'm the PP you are responding to.  I hear you--it is such a frustrating situation.  In my experience, though, so long as you are picking up his slack, he will continue to slack off.  Only once you stop compensating for his failings will he be forced to pull his weight or suffer the consequences.  So, the school and the other parents are call you because he dropped the ball?  Redirect, redirect, redirect.  Meaning, tell him they called and tell them to call him.  Refuse to play the middle man.  So, you are wasting money on classes that are not used?  Make sure that money comes out of a fund for something he cares about.  Your kids are upset about a situation that he was supposed to handle?  Tell them they have to talk to him because this was on his plate.

If you were to become incapacitated tomorrow, I guarantee your DH would figure out a way to deal.  It might not be exactly the way you would do things, but the kids would be fed and housed and would not turn into feral animals.

As for the gratitude/compliments, fake it till you make it.  Even if you are angry about the overall situation, you can still say, "Thanks for unloading the dishwasher."  Not because he deserves it, necessarily, but because it will help you feel better and will incentivize him to do more.  Right now, he probably feels like whatever he does is not enough (because it's not), which makes him not want to even try (which makes the problem worse).  If he sees that whatever he does is appreciated, he will want more of that feeling, and so will do more.  It's not necessarily fair or right, but it's how humans are wired.

Once you guys get to a place where things are a little more balanced, then you can think about whether you want to stay married and/or rebuild your relationship.  Right now, though, you just need to figure out how to work together.  [/quote]

Thanks for coming back again, I appreciate your perspective 
We are in a crisis mode as you said earlier
I need to figure out a way to get out of it before we can get to a place where I’m grateful to him
Right now I’d be grateful if he’d get a job, and an apartment 
Ugh
But you clearly understand the situation and I’ll post back with an update [/quote]

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