Reply to How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You're right to move on. And you're fortunate to have additional friend groups. Many do not. I do think it's sad that you decided you didn't "like" two people in the group and for some reason made it known. It's totally fine to decide that out of 40 people there are two you don't really care for, but why talk about it, thus creating a situation where people feel the need to pick sides? Lesson learned, I hope. The good old "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" applies. [/quote]

Hmm, don't know that I agree with this. It really depends why OP didn't like them. If it was because they wore the wrong clothes or didn't have as much money or even that she just didn't like innocuous aspects of their personalities, yes, I agree with you. But if it was because they were rude or gossipy or racist or elitist? Then I don't think OP has some duty to silently endure that. I've been in that situation before and I actually do think people should have to pick sides when members of a group are doing harmful things to other people, both in and out of the group. It's okay to have some standards for the people in your social circle. [/quote]

OP here. To clarify, I didn't just randomly decide I didn't like these two people. I noticed they were always really rude to me when we interacted, teasing me about stuff and making little comments about me that hurt my feelings. I said something a few times asking them to stop (i.e. "Actually, that subject isn't really funny to me" or "that feels kind of hurtful"), but they didn't. So I chose to spend less time with them for my own sake. And I didn't go around bad mouthing them to everyone in the group. I told a very small group of close friends (three people) because I was hurt by the behavior. I did not expect them to tell others (which they did). I definitely did not expect them to gossip about it to the degree that they did, or to repeat some of the things I'd told them in confidence. I was specifically trying to avoid making people feel they had to choose sides, but it happened anyway because of how extensively the issue was gossiped about. Maybe I was wrong to ever discuss it, but I really was not trying to make it into a big thing.

I think the main lesson I learned is to avoid very large groups of people, especially if they talk about everyone else in the group a lot. I don't think there is anything wrong with confiding in friends about something, but I do think you need to be able to trust that those friends will keep your confidence. Mine didn't.[/quote]

OP, you must leave this bag of rocks behind you.  There is no need to carry it around anymore.  Every time this situation pops into your head, envision it like a bag of rocks and drop it off your shoulders then mentally make an effort to shift your thoughts to something positive in your life, no matter how small it is.  One small positive thought is much more valuable than a bag of heavy b.s.  Do this often enough and you will see how quickly you can train your mind to leave this behind.

You are right that at this stage of life you need to avoid large groups.  Who needs them??  If you have one true friend, somewhere - anywhere, then you are rich.

Not to  mention you are forgetting the most important friend you have who you can always trust - yourself.  Be your own friend.  Give yourself good counsel.  From now on, if someone treats you badly then tell YOURSELF you don't need them in your life.  Extricate yourself from situations where they can be present.

FWIW I was in a similar situation only in was in the work place.  There were some toxic coworkers who decided to target me and got supervisors involved.  It was relentless and escalated to a point where I saw no resolution.  Thankfully I was able to plan my exit quietly and without fanfare, and left one Friday without a word to anyone in the office - never to return.  I don't give a crap what any of them think about me and have no interest in knowing anything about any of them.  I dropped that bag of rocks.  I have no regrets about leaving the way I did and went on to a very nice position which was waiting for me, working with wonderful people I trust and respect.

Drop the rocks.  Move on. [/quote]

Not OP, but thanks for this. I have a couple of situations that this rocks analogy helps with. Sometimes you just have to unload something, and to stop trying to make sense of it. I have a past career situation that I have to remind myself to leave behind. Sometimes it gets brought up again, and I find myself spiraling and trying to figure out where I went wrong (did not get a big promotion I was expecting)--either by self-sabotaging somehow or just not seeing the red flags that they had changed their minds after essentially promising it to me. It is incredibly counter productive and leaves me feeling terrible to even go down that road. It was a toxic environment, and everyone I respected from there has left, so I try to end my thinking with "it wasn't you" or "don't take it personally," but it would definitely be better to drop off that bag of rocks and to stop revisiting it mentally. [/quote]

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