Reply to Therapist Won't Condemn my Partner's Affair.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I recommend reading The State of Affairs by well-respected couples' therapist Esther Perel.

OP, it is so hurtful when a spouse goes outside the marriage to meet needs, and breaks vows.

But the reasons for an affair are complex and you're not going to find peace looking to blame him alone. If he's simply a bad person, leave him. If he's not, share in discovering why he did what he did and what responsibility you bear for what wasn't right in the relationship.[/quote]

I think this is a really damaging point of view.  It assumes that "if he/she had a perfect relationship, he/she wouldn't cheat", and it shifts the burden to the aggrieved party to deliver a perfect relationship - as if a relationship is a consumer product you can perfect and deliver.

I have very liberal views on cheating. I think sexual fidelity is overrated and that many marriages have survived it.  But I think that there is no such thing as "discovering why he did what he did".  People do what they do, and you do not belong inside their head figuring out their reasons (as if that is even possible).  Worry about your own self. [/quote]

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