Reply to Feeling sad about Christmas

Forum Index » Parenting -- Special Concerns

Reply to "Feeling sad about Christmas"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm not taking you to task for being a step-parent.  [b]I'm taking you to task for competing with your husband's ex.  If you compete rather than cooperate, the only loser will be the children.[/b]  [/quote]

First of all, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

I am a bit frustrated, because the perception here seems to be that I am the one competing. I have tried to convey that it is the other way around - and I have watched it unfold where EW competes with DH for several years, now. I can't make any of you believe or understand me - he very specifically does not want to compete with her. He very specifically wants to be a good co-parent. He has been unsuccessful in garnering her cooperation - in any aspect of their parenting relationship. There is never any middle ground - she always wants to make him wrong, and does it unabashedly in front of the kids.

I know I'm supposed to stay in my lane, and I have really tried - but it is VERY hard to watch him be billed as the bad guy, or the parent who is less than, when he really isn't. Really. He isn't.

So, here's the hard part.

I've been sitting with this since I originally posted, and over the holiday. Maybe I was sad and angry because the writing was on the wall - that my relationship was coming to an end. Tomorrow marks a new year, and it will be the year that I choose to tell DH that I simply cannot live this life anymore. I know we made vows. I know I am breaking them. But this is too much. I feel parts of me stripping away and getting lost, and I don't want to become angry and bitter about that. I would rather acknowledge my failure and move on with my life, and let him move on with his.

I honestly wish that he'll find someone who can love his kids, as well as him.

As for me, I have learnt my lesson and will not again pursue a relationship with a man who has children. If that means I am alone for the remainder of my life, I have to be okay with that choice.

Thanks again.

[/quote]

Long-winded PP again.  Here's the point.  If you and your husband aren't competing, then don't quantify the gifts or experiences that each side brings.  Yes, his XW can compete and be a bean-counter and compare.  Neither you nor your husband need to rise to the bait.  If she tries to show him up in front of the kids because he spends less, then one of you needs to be the adult (since she can't) and point out that you aren't trying to buy their love and you aren't trying to compete.  Love and raising children isn't about spending more money, but about giving them a good life and teaching them about values.  If she can't take the hint, then just stop trying to counter her.  While young the children may be beguiled by the greed, but if you and your husband do the right thing in teaching them values when they are young adults or adults, they will recognize the situation with what it was, that their mother tried to buy their love and cast their father in a bad light.  I've known many friends who came from such families and they always viewed the parent who took the high road better than the one who took the low road.  In this situation, while you may not be trying to compete, I think your husband is trying to compete with his ex-wife, otherwise, he wouldn't let her oneupmanship bother him and he wouldn't let her goad him into reacting.  It only works if he acknowledges her childishness.

As to your other point about not being up to the task, I think before you throw in the towel, you need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your husband.  You need to tell him that the current dynamic is not working for you.  You need to be on the same page with your husband on how to deal with the children and how to deal with his XW.  Right now, it sounds like both of them are letting their bad blood affect them and they are vying for "more affection" from the kids over the other parent.  And that is only setting the whole family into a bad and dangerous dynamic.  You and he need to come to terms and ultimately he and his XW need to come to terms about how to make the children's childhood more constructive.  Right now, their current battle is just as destructive as their fights before divorce and ultimately one or both of them is going to pay for it when the children become adults.  So, you need to help your husband see through the combat zone and figure out how to calm things down and be supportive of each other.  Then he needs to have a talk with his XW.  You can only do so much, but you have to help him navigate his relationship with the XW.  You cannot do it for him, but you can help him see the path forward.  If he isn't willing to have these talks with you, then you may be right, but I think you owe it to yourself and your marriage to try and have this discussion with him before you hit the point of no return.

It isn't easy.  Good luck.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics