Reply to Feeling sad about Christmas

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP here.  There are two separate topics going on here.  First is the issue of gratitude for things that are done.  The second is the step-parent/bio-parent relationship issue.

First, on gratitude.  I agree with the poster who said that if they ask for something and you do it for them, they should express gratitude.  If you opt to do something for them that they didn't ask for, it is nice if they express gratitude, but they shouldn't be chided for not saying thanks.  In your situation, they mentioned they were excited about the movie coming out.  They could see it with their mother, but you chose to take them first.  I think this leans more in the latter category, that you chose to do this, rather than that they asked for it and I would give them a pass.

I also think that during times like winter break, near a birthday or near a holiday like Christmas, that they should be given a pass for their parents.  It is expected that parents will do something special for birthday or Christmas, possibly several special events and/or presents and they shouldn't be expected to show gratitude for every individual event or gift.  I think a general thank you at the end of the winter break or at the end of an event for all of the above, is sufficient.  I teach my children that they can thank each adult once for everything tied to Christmas or a day/event at the end.  They shouldn't have to thank each adult multiple times through a day or weekend for a holiday.  I think then the gratitude becomes more tedious for everyone than the courtesy it extends.

For the second issue, step-parent vs bio-parent, I think that step-parents need to recognize that they are not in competition with the bio-parent.  They are an additional parent added into the family, not a replacement.  You should not be competing with your husband's ex-wife.  And while you don't think you are, you are trying to compete.  You, your husband and his ex-wife need to be working together to raise the best children that you all can.  And that means looking out for their welfare, learning to cooperate rather than compete and trying to make things work out as smoothly as possible.  You should be looking at what you can do to make their holiday special.  You did that.  Their mother did that.  Yes, she outspent you; but that is really none of your business.  She did what she thought was important to make their holiday special during her time with the kids.  You and your husband did the same.  But from the sounds of things, it sounds like you and your husband do keep tabs on what she does and you seem offended when she out-spends you.  So what?  You gave them special gifts and they enjoyed their holidays with you.  If you aren't trying to compete with her, then you shouldn't care what she spends on them; because it isn't a competition.  You can't buy love from children.  If you try, you just end up teaching greed rather than love.  Children won't know the difference unless you teach them.  I'm not taking you to task for being a step-parent.  [b]I'm taking you to task for competing with your husband's ex.  If you compete rather than cooperate, the only loser will be the children.[/b]  They can tell there is divisiveness and can tell that there is friction.  And it just makes things worse for them.  If you work on cooperation with her to make holidays and events more pleasant, then the children will win.  My brother and ex-sister-in-law divorced when their children were 5 and 3.  They worked very hard over the next 20 years to make sure that they cooperated.  They did whatever was necessary in the best interest of the children.  They even ended up spending most holidays together, even after my XSIL remarried.  And they raised two wonderful, healthy and successful girls who love both sides of their family and are grateful and appreciative of the love and support they got from their parents and step-parents for working together.

One more suggestion.  If you are trying to give them experiences or trips for holidays instead of gifts, consider scheduling the trip further away from the holiday instead of over the holiday.  One of the biggest gifts that my brother and XSIL gave to my children is to never separate them for the holidays.  They lived near each other and made sure that the kids got to spend time at both houses during the 48 hours of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  That was something that the kids valued a lot, just being able to spend holidays with both parents.  Going away over a holiday for a trip, while a wonderful gift and experience, is still taking them away from one parent or the other at a time when our society values family togetherness and you are only highlighting that their family is broken.  So, I would suggest reconsidering when a vacation is planned and experienced and try to avoid holidays unless both parents are available and present (like maybe going to a special event near home where both parents can participate).[/quote]

First of all, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

I am a bit frustrated, because the perception here seems to be that I am the one competing. I have tried to convey that it is the other way around - and I have watched it unfold where EW competes with DH for several years, now. I can't make any of you believe or understand me - he very specifically does not want to compete with her. He very specifically wants to be a good co-parent. He has been unsuccessful in garnering her cooperation - in any aspect of their parenting relationship. There is never any middle ground - she always wants to make him wrong, and does it unabashedly in front of the kids.

I know I'm supposed to stay in my lane, and I have really tried - but it is VERY hard to watch him be billed as the bad guy, or the parent who is less than, when he really isn't. Really. He isn't.

So, here's the hard part.

I've been sitting with this since I originally posted, and over the holiday. Maybe I was sad and angry because the writing was on the wall - that my relationship was coming to an end. Tomorrow marks a new year, and it will be the year that I choose to tell DH that I simply cannot live this life anymore. I know we made vows. I know I am breaking them. But this is too much. I feel parts of me stripping away and getting lost, and I don't want to become angry and bitter about that. I would rather acknowledge my failure and move on with my life, and let him move on with his.

I honestly wish that he'll find someone who can love his kids, as well as him.

As for me, I have learnt my lesson and will not again pursue a relationship with a man who has children. If that means I am alone for the remainder of my life, I have to be okay with that choice.

Thanks again.

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