Reply to Daughter's Behavior Toward Parent/Family and Attitude vs Gratitude

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[quote=Anonymous]I think you really have two separate things to discuss with your DD and would probably try to address them at separate times.  The college conversation can be completely separate from the behavior/kindness/respect conversation.  Both are important, but approaching them together makes it seem like one is dependent on the other and allows a teen to tune out and/or focus on just one part of what you are saying.

As a step-parent I have some advice to help with the college conversations. You need to recognize your DDs feelings that it is overwhelming and exhausting to have the "same" conversation with both your ex and you.  Figure out some ways together to limit the repeat conversations for her.  My DH and his ex had a weekly 20 minute call where they caught up on where things stood in the process, this helped avoid both parents asking her for updates, other families I know had the call with all three.  Also, you and your ex need to come to some agreements about how things regarding college will be handled and clearly communicate these to DD.  Do not put DD in the middle, do  not ask her what her mom said- clearly decide how things that need parental support will be handled.  Our system was that DD asked for support with apps/essays when she wanted.  Both parents attended  any college conversations at the HS or met with the school counselor.

We also found we had to limit college conversations initiated by us.  So try not to ask, maybe establish a regular check in with your DD see what she needs, if there are schools she wants to visit, if she needs money for applications, if she's registered for SAT.  Again- only ask what you don't already know from talking to mom.  Be present and available to help with out nagging (a REALLY tall order).

As far as the other pieces, I personally would try have the conversations about what she means to you, being there for her and your expectations for kindness and respect in your house first.   Bring up the desire for doing counseling together but don't insist on it, just put the offer out there for when she is ready.

Then, once this is out of the way, the college conversations may be easier to have. Plus, it may give you and your ex a chance to come up with a beginning strategy for supporting DD through the process as a united team as opposed to working against each other.  You two really have to be the adults here and put your differences aside.

Good luck, parenting a teen applying to colleges isn't easy for anyone and it's especially difficult with shared custody. Summary-- work on relationships first, college second...  [/quote]

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