Reply to 42, not married, have always wanted to be, and now thinking

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "42, not married, have always wanted to be, and now thinking - why? Is marriage really that great?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m divorced with kids, about ten years your junior. I think marriage is valuable - can be valuable - when you think of it not in terms of romance or love, but partnership. Of course, chemistry and sex and attraction and fondness are wonderful (and important) in marriage, but the value of a good marriage is what the partnership enables each individual to achieve, and what they can achieve together. I think these kinds of marriages are in the minority, but are what people who do marry aspire to. 
[/quote]

I agree that the partnership is valuable. I got married in my late 30s to a guy in his mid-40s, and we've been married for about 8 years now.  First marriage for both, no kids. I'd been very happy as a single, so I was nervous going into marriage - such a big CHANGE - but I'm even happier married.  In addition to love, romance, and all of that - I gained a wonderful life partner.   [b]Financial partnership - we're BOTH better off by pooling our money. [/b] [/quote]

Not clear to me why you have to get married to "pool your money". And there is the issue that getting married, and thus entangling your finances, puts your money at risk in the event of a divorce.[/quote]

For one thing, I wasn't comfortable with making large financial commitments - such as buying a house together - without the legal commitment.  Some people do it, but I wouldn't have.  Either way, it would be a entanglement to sort out in the event of a breakup or divorce.  To me, the benefit is worth the risk.  Also both DH and I have partial pensions (one is fed, other is private sector), and I'm not sure that we would be eligible for survivor benefits if we weren't married.  Not an immediate issue, but it does play into our long-term financial planning.[/quote]

Buying a house together IS a legal commitment, if you're both on the mortgage and both on the title. So that makes no sense. You can designate someone for survivor benefits if they are not a spouse, so that is not very compelling either.[/quote]

Yes, buying a house is a legal commitment.  I didn't see the point in making that large of a legal commitment together without having the legal commitment for the relationship itself.   If I was committed enough to make a half million dollar real estate investment, then I was committed enough to get married, and I wanted the same commitment in return.  Not everyone sees it that way, but that's the way both my husband and I see it.  [/quote]

Well, for one thing, buying a house together just puts you on the hook for the house. Getting married puts you on the hook for 50% of your assets, plus the possibility of paying alimony and having them get a piece of your pension. You may say you're fine with that, but you'll be singing a different song if you wind up getting divorced.

Also, a house is not really a "half million dollar real estate investment" -- assuming you put 20% down that is $100,000 or $50,000 from each of you, quite a different thing.[/quote]

The original question was about mid-life marriages without kids - this is our situation.  Since we're both working and we both have fairly good jobs and both of us had pensions and decent savings going into our marriage, I'm not particularly worried about alimony.  I guess that it's a (slight) risk, but for us, the benefits of combining finances far outweigh that possibility.  Maybe it isn't worth it for other people.  Certainly I wouldn't have wanted to combine my finances with someone who was so flippin worried about alimony from very beginning.

Keep in mind, finances was just one benefit that I laid out - love, sex, companionship, help around the house, emotional support during illness and deaths in the extended family......all of those are pretty darn important too.  Personally, I enjoy being married to my DH, and I'm glad that we made the jump.  If marriage isn't your thing, then it's definitely better not to get married.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics