Reply to If you respect and admire your husband I envy you

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]Keep in mind that the qualities that drive someone to have a successful, respectable career are also qualities that can make them lousy in a relationship. My DH is like this- he has a highly respected career and is one of the top in his field. When he visits other offices within the organization, people excitedly whisper to each other "that's <DH's name>!" to each other. But the things that made him great- meticulousness, holding people to extremely high standards, anxiety, the drive to get a million things done each day- are exhausting at home. If he comes home and something isn't done- like there's a couple dishes in the sink- I'm grilled on how I spent my day and told I need to be more productive. He dictates how I should do things, even things he knows nothing about, such as my own job. Sometimes his anxiety takes over and he becomes unbearable to be around, or will wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me- not that I did anything wrong, he just needs to get the anxiety out somehow. He's also constantly frustrated that I am not at the same level in my career as he is, and that my career isn't as prestigious as his.

Sure, things were fun at first. For awhile, it's a lot of fun being with the most respected guy in the room. Also leads to a lot of really hot sex in the beginning. But our marriage is so damaged that neither of us is really interested or attracted to the other. I look back regretfully on the times I passed over really great guys because they had a mediocre job.[/b] [/quote]

Wow. I'm really sorry to read this, PP. I applaud your honest and reflective account of your situation. I hope you can use that insight to improve your situation, however that ends of working out. [/quote]

x100000

I can attest to this.  People think "wow, so and so is SO smart!" [b]But what you don't know, is how dreadful he is at home - how he is controlling and not interested in his family, how many issues he has from his family of origin, that will never, ever be fixed because "they see nothing wrong" with their abusive dynamics, and they win because he caters to them, and the cycle continues - how he is abusive because that is what he learned growing up.[/b]   No one outside would ever, in a million years, or just by looking at DH, expect how difficult and abusive he is at home.  "He's smart! He must be rich! He must be perfect!" - No, he is a far cry from any of those things.  You would not ever want to change shoes, believe me. [/quote]

You're so right.  Mary M. Scharf and J. Michale Farren were a Washington power couple. Both lawyers at Big Law firms and he a former White House Counsel, Undersecretary of Commerce.  Their wedding was announced in the NYT.  Then he tried to kill her.  He is now serving 15 years and is prohibited from ever having contact with his two daughters.  I read of another case in Potomac, MD of a woman whose high powered Washington DH also beat her.  I can't recall the case now, but OP thank your lucky stars for your DH as he is b/c you could be married to someone llike Mr. Farren.  [/quote]

X100000

Totally agree.  My husband is a brain / spine surgeon who was very driven during his residency fellowship training. I met him during his trading as I am also a physician in another specialty. I admired him for his drive, pare work, intelligent. However, when we have our son, all theses characters and his commitment for work severely negatively impact our relationship.

Fortunately after a few years and extensive communication tactic , he realized that only him can be our son father and my husband that we need him to be, while there are hundreds of people who can be a brain surgeon working crazy hours. So he cut back a lot of academic stuffs and 24x7 calls, incomes . Now he is able to bring our son to bed, tell him bed time stories, spend weekends with him. 
With him being a great father and a husband,  my administration for him actually higher than for him to be a great surgeon/ chairman of some sort. ( even he cut down from work 100 ++hours a week to 60 ++hours a week, he still making great money. That’s kind of a plus too. )

OP please look at how your husband contributed as a father, a husband in your family rather than how he is being admired at work. [/quote]

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