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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t know the answer but my plan when I have DIL:
-Treat her the same way I treat my sons
-Show up the day a baby is born and say “what help do you need?”  If the help they want from me is to scrub toilets, I’ll scrub toilets.
-Attend as many of my grandkids school functions and extracurricular functions as possible. 
-Stay busy with my own life so I don’t sit around and come up with expectations for my sons and their spouses.  While I hope to be involved in my sons’ life and his family’s life, I won’t be Marie in “Everybody loves Raymond.”  Whether my son has a wife who breastfeeds or bottle feeds, I will be supportive of her decision.
-Honor their family and right to parent as they wish.  Don’t impose my opinion on their lives.
-Show a genuine interest in their lives.

Family first.  No time for drama.  [/quote]

Slow down there, sister. How about get to know the actual woman before you make all of these plans about her?

I'm a "slowly get to know you type." My FIL made an effort to get to know the actual me, and I opened up to and trusted him first.

With my MIL, it took years before I felt comfortable with her. She came at me hard, like you are describing, "treating me like she'd treat her own children." But I'm not her child, and I had my own parents, and I wanted to be respected and treated like an individual adult, not another child. (It didn't help that her daughter is gay, and she tried to get out all of her "feminine daughter white lace wedding dress jollies" on me as a result.)

Slowly, over time, she learned to back off a little. When I saw that, I grew to feel I could trust her more. Then we built a closer relationship from there. But not everyone wants you scrubbing toilets--I personally don't want help when people are guests in my home. You have to get to know the actual PERSON, not just the concept of "DIL."[/quote]

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