Reply to 3 year old son constantly hurts little brother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

We will not spank or hit him. We talk all the time about how “family doesn’t hurt each other”. It doesn’t make sense to hit him and then tell him he cannot hit his brother.

I do react, usually by yelling. I get really upset and cry and beg him to stop hurting brother. He usually starts to cry and reaches for a hug and consolation, and I feel awful. It’s not working.

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This is absurd and terrible for your child. Some children need more consistent discipline than others. It sounds like your 3 year old is very aggressive. When he is being aggressive, you need to stop the behavior immediately, put him in time out, take a privilege away, whatever works. He is also getting old enough that you may be able to implement a behavior chart. He gets a sticker every day (or morning, etc.) that he doesn't hurt his brother. Then at the end of 1 week, two weeks, whatever he gets a big treat.

It also sounds like you talk and explain to him too much. [b]Remember, you sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to him.[/b][/quote]

I think OP is kind of absurd but the bolded is also absurd. Toddlers understand a lot. My daughters tantrums improved a lot when I started to acknowledge her ability to understand and talk her through stuff. Regardless of the method of discipline you take, communicating with your kid is a good thing that will build trust and love between you. Don't underestimate any child's ability to tune into what's going on around them. [/quote]

I also think OP is trying to explain too much.  She's crying and begging him to stop hurting his brother?  He doesn't fully understand what he's doing, so this is obviously not working.  The whole "family doesn't hurt each other" (which, by the way makes no sense - who cares if it's family?  You don't hurt anyone!) isn't sinking in with him.  Your concept of family doesn't equate with his concept of family.  You are obviously emotionally upset at seeing your children hit or being hit, but your son does not view hitting his brother the same way you do - that's the first thing I think you need to understand.  I'm not judging you for yelling - I have also yelled at my kids, especially when they have done something dangerous, but the cycle you're in isn't working.  Sticker charts are great for rewarding good behavior, and that can be a component of this, but you also need some actual discipline here.  I'm not talking about spanking because I don't spank my kids, but there are negative consequences for their bad behavior.  One of my girls would refuse to do time outs.  We started at one minute and I'd tell her to go sit down for her time out.  Then I'd count to three.  If she wasn't in time out by the time I said three, then it became two minutes.  If she got up before the time was over, I restarted the timer on my phone.  The first few times took a while and then she realized I was serious.  I've also taken away toys they are playing with or other things that are immediate consequences (not, you won't get to go to the zoo tomorrow).  Different things work for different kids, and you do whatever works for you, but the two things I read from what you said are (1) you need to rethink how your son is seeing this situation rather than how you're seeing it and communicate with him in a way that makes sense and (2) you need something more than just positive parenting here. [/quote]
OP here. You are right. Thank you for taking the time to write this (I know it's time consuming to write a thoughtful response!) I appreciate the details, especially on how you do time out. [/quote]

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