Reply to Multi-generation Princeton double-legacy. DC doesn't want to go there...help

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP have you not been taking your son to reunions? Have him tour a week on prospect street. Seriously, that will set most kids straight -- not having to eat in a dining hall or cook as an upper classman but eating in a friggin mansion and then partying hard right after. [/quote]

Of course we have, ever since he was a baby. He actually likes the school and personality-wise he would fit in very well. His resistance comes from the fact that he is too proud and independent. He wants to strike out on his own. Plus this is probably a pushback on the years of expectation and pressure the family has put on him regarding Princeton. I am proud of him for thinking this way, but the whole situation has created a lot of friction within the family.

As another poster said above, Princeton really is a cult. Most Princeton alumni are insanely loyal and rabid when it comes to their alma mater. Our family admittedly takes it to the extreme. [b]It is hard for non-tigers to understand[/b]. [/quote]

OP, new poster here.

Whether "non-tigers" understand here on this board or not doesn't matter.

What matters is that YOU are there in the thick of this mess, and YOU see your son being treated badly (by adults who should have his interests at heart!) for being a thinking, independent human being and yet...you come back and seem to be waffling about where you are in all this. You say you're "proud of him for thinking this way." Yet you characterize his resistance as "rebellion" earlier on, and "pushback" above--and you then claim he would "fit in very well." You [i]want[/i] him to want to fit in, but what you really want most is for the arguing to stop.

OP, can you see how maybe you're harboring a feeling that it would end if he would just come around and try, and fit in, and do what he is told?

Please have his back. You don't, not the way you're writing about this so far; yes, you're frustrated with DH and FIL but you also don't truly seem to be saying clearly and firmly to them, or anyone, "Leave him alone, drop this topic, and if you persist I will back him and not you." That is what needs to happen--IF you want your son not to resent the hell out of you, dad, and everyone else who is shoving Princeton down his throat and telling him "if you only try, you'll fit in!"

Even if his one and only reason for not going there is that everyone else in the family did go -- that is enough reason, to be blunt. If the adults pull any dramatic ultimatums like saying they won't fund college unless he goes to Princeton (assuming he gets in, which isn't a given), he would be well within his rights to see all of you as manipulative and self-centered. He is the one going to college, the one attending classes and doing the actual work, the one spending four years of his life in a place; he needs to be the one choosing it. But you, mom, don't back him up.

Your focus is on this, from your first post: "My husband and father in-law are furious, every day is a battle between them and DC." You want the battles to end, but it would be better for him if you engage and take a stand that there are many colleges, and your son gets to pick as he is the one who must do the work once he's there. Unless Princeton were the only place in the country that did his particular major, there is no reason he must go there other than expectations that were formed before he was even born. You're scared of your DH and FIL and others in the family and won't just step up. He has no one in his corner, despite how you talk about it here.

You and dad and FIL are setting yourselves up for son to spend the rest of his life remembering the many months when everyone treated him like a child who couldn't make one of the biggest choices of his life his own way. Of course parents have huge input into college decisions. But he's getting no input  of his own. Is this what you and DH want him to think about for four years while he's somewhere he told you clearly he did not want to be?

Consider hiring a private college consultant and saying that the adults will let that consultant help guide the process, and will give son and the consultant the final say --with son's being the deciding vote. Sell the idea to your DH and FIL as a way to end the hostility by having a neutral third party involved. Tell son that he can talk with the consultant all he wants about other options and should absolutely look into other colleges so he can decide for or against Princeton based on a lot of research about other possible colleges. That might be one way to reduce friction if everyone sees a third party professional is there as a buffer. But this would only help if DH and FIL can get their antique "do what I did" notions and tempers in check, and can see son as an individual and not an extension of themselves.

I went to college with a guy who was like your son in that his parents told him he had only one choice of college, period. He was also told what his major would be. He desperately wanted to be at another university altogether but hadn't been able to convince his family; they told him, once he was accepted at our university, that he had to go there or they would not pay for college at all. He was miserable academically, socially, in every way possible. He was a nice guy, did his work well, and did try to "fit in," find some friends and make the best of the hand his parents dealt him. He knew that our college's name on his diploma was an objectively good thing to have. But he also said he would never forget how his parents treated him about college, and would never forgive them for not giving his wishes (and, he felt, his needs) the deciding vote. After all, he was the one spending four years in a place not of his choosing.[/quote]

OP here. I really appreciate your taking the time to write all of this. You are right. I know that I should step up and defend him against the whole family, and I haven't done so yet. You would agree that this is easier said than done if you knew the family, but I agree it has to be done. I just have to get ready to take all the heat that will be coming my way if I put my foot down on this subject.

I am not going to lie, I also wish Princeton were his dream school and that he wanted to carry on the family tradition. On the other hand, I also respect his desires and I actually admire that he wants to be his own person. At the end of the day, I am happy if he is happy and would support him regardless. And no, we would never pull any crazy ultimatums, we are not (completely) insane.

On a more practical level, however, I know that Princeton is his best chance at one of the top ivies. Sure, he has top grades, already top SAT scores and great ECs but so do many other kids applying to HYS and even other ivies. DH attended HYS for grad school (don't want to get more specific for privacy reasons).  That doesn't really count as legacy though and we don't have the kind of ties with that school than we have with Princeton. So the advantage there would be minimal, if any at all. He is not a prodigy or anything like that so there is no way he can truly differentiate himself from the many other qualified kids who are applying to the other top schools. He is definitely qualified to get in, but he faces the same long odds as most others. 
At Princeton however he has a giant leg up because of his family. I get that he is trying to escape that, but from a practical standpoint it seems like a missed opportunity if he doesn't take advantage of it by at least applying. People here keep saying that getting in isn't a given, but we essentially have never had a family member rejected from Princeton in recent history. Even those with admittedly unexceptional academic profiles. This is why I say it is practically a guarantee. I know it sounds hubristic and there is no point in trying to convince people here otherwise, but he is practically a shoo-in if he applies. Of course we never explicitly  tell him that, we emphasize that it is something that still needs to be earned though hard work at school.

The other practical consideration is that we know Princeton inside and out. We can guide him on how to navigate the campus resources, what classes to look for, what professors to seek out, how to navigate social life, campus organizations etc. We don't have this level of insight into any other school. We definitely would not dictate to him what to major in, or what (if any) eating club to join and in general micromanage him while he is there. We just think he probably would have a very good chance of thriving there given all the inside knowledge we have and the fact that he is so familiar with the school.

Anyway I am rambling too much. I am just freaking out a bit. I just want to maintain our family peace and I also want him to get into a good college and reach his potential. [/quote]

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