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[quote=mshakespeare][quote=Anonymous][quote=mshakespeare][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support.  His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another.  Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS  and will be pretty busy.  With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?"  How's he supposed to hide it?  "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan.  Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets.  On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books!  Really?  He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.[/quote]

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here. [/quote]

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it?  Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore?  Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back?  Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest.  And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing.  I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine.  She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face.  All with a smile.  [/quote]

No, but you should be aware that you are contributing to the differences between him and his siblings. I understand that you are trying to do what is best for your son, but participating in the adversarial relationship with your ex - EVEN IF YOU DID NOT START IT - is not helpful or what is best for your son. You did the right thing by telling your ex that the "little rich boy" shit needs to stop. Ignore his comments about how your son is too sensitive and continue to focus on "things that are best for our son." If he won't let go of the "vacation" issue, you can simply tell him that each of you makes decisions about how to spend your vacation time with your son, and that it's important that you both be respectful of those decisions, particularly in front of your son.

I completely understand that your son may be reluctant to spend time at a home where he feels uncomfortable or singled out. I completely understand that that's upsetting to you. But your son is 12, not 4. You need to be having conversations with him that give him tools to navigate these situations. Suggestions like not bringing expensive presents are good. Helping him to understand that it's important that he try to find a way to connect with his dad and his siblings even when it's hard is good. You have an opportunity to take the moral high ground here. Saying "She started it!!" and "She CHOSE to stay home!" and "[b]Why should MY SON be punished because THEY can't take vacations" is smug[/b].[b] If that is your attitude here, that's probably your attitude, quietly, the whole time. Your son will pick up on this[/b], and it will either have the effect of making him smug about it or making him feel guilty about it, neither of which are good.[/quote]

This, seriously. [/quote]

She SHOULD have that attitude... and her son SHOULD have that attitude. I am so sick of people shaming people for success. As his mother, she should have his back. She should make sure that he knows that he did nothing wrong - that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And he should understand where his family is coming from - he should know that this is what jealously looks like. That there will be times in life where people will treat him badly because they are jealous - and that when that happens in his life - that he shouldn't feel like he has done something wrong.

My god - you people are justifying this kid being shamed by his step siblings and step mother... THEY ARE AT FAULT - they are bullying a little kid.

Stating facts is NOT smug.[/quote]

Hi, I posted the original thing that you disagreed with where I said that the OP sounds smug.

I think it is very smug to say things like "Why should MY SON be punished for HER CHOICES?" The OP clearly looks down on this woman for deciding to stay home to raise her children, because the consequence of that choice is that their family cannot take vacations the way that the OP, with her considerable disposable income, can take vacations.

No one is saying that what the stepmother or stepsiblings are doing is appropriate or right. No one is saying that they should continue bullying. But the OP's attitude is clearly that she's better than this woman, and her basis for that seems to be more than this woman does not work outside the home than that this woman is a jerk. I think she sounds smug.

I also think that stepmom and stepsiblings sound mean and that dad needs to defend his child from his stepkids. However, it seems that dad is also mean, so at this point, my support is for the kid deciding he doesn't want to be around that nastiness, and if the dad wants to take it to court, the kid can explain to a judge why he doesn't want to go over there. As I mentioned before, I think that the judge will hear the kid describe numerous instances where the stepsiblings were nasty as well as attempts to have the kid spend time with his dad in a separate situation, and hear that dad rejected those attempts. I think that going to court will demonstrate to ALL PARTIES that there are consequences for choices. If the kid doesn't want to go, he needs to recognize that it's going against a custody order and explain to a judge why the order should be different than it is. If the dad wants to force his son to do stuff he clearly doesn't want to do, he will need to answer for his wife and stepkids' attitudes toward his son.

I'm also kind of confused as to why you're suddenly posting on a thread that's pretty old, but whatever. Each to their own.[/quote]

I just realized how old this thread was...

I looked back, and there were several people who commented on this earlier yesterday and today, which brought it to the front of the list, so I assumed it was more recent.[/quote]

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