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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH and I have covered sex, consent, no means no, etc. with our teen son, but now we have a new scenario to teach him about.

My friend's teen son in college was arrested for sexual assault recently.  She shared with me and a few other close friends what happened so that we could use her son's mistake to educate our kids.  It's honestly not a scenario I'd thought to cover with him.

[b]He met a girl at a football game and they hit it off.  They exchanged info. and went on some dates.  They began exclusively dating and having a sexual relationship and things were fine.  They had sex one evening and she stayed the night with him.  He thought it would be "cute and romantic" to wake her up the next morning with oral sex.  She was angry when she woke up and told him that was not okay with her.  He apologized and she said she needed to re-evaluate their relationship. [/b] No contact happened for a little over a week and then he was called in by one of the dean's because the assault was reported by her.  Interviews happened and the case was turned over to the local authorities.  More interviews and investigating happened and he was arrested by the local police in his college town.  He was released on bond and was told to have no contact with her until the school finished their investigation process.  He got called before the disciplinary committee right before school let out for winter break and was expelled from college for violating the university's integrity code.

We had the talk with our son that if a woman gives consent and during the act says she'd like to stop, you stop.  If during the act she seems like she's in pain or uncomfortable but doesn't say anything, you stop.  We've told him that kissing doesn't equal permission to be handsy.  Agreeing to oral sex doesn't equal permission to have sex.  And now we're going to talk to him about this type of situation this weekend.  I was raped, which DH knows, and so we've been a bit more explicit with our kids than maybe other people are.  Stressing the importance of consent, drinking, boundaries, emotions, etc.  But this scenario is honestly never one that crossed my mind.

I used to think having a teen girl was more stressful, but as my son gets older, I realize that having a teen that could possibly be (or is) sexually active is the most stressful of all, regardless of gender.  [/quote]

A lot going on here.

For starters, if this had happened to me very early in a relationship with someone, I would be completely freaked out and would ABSOLUTELY consider it sexual assault. When you are in a long term relationship with someone, you get an understanding of what they like and what they don't like. My husband would not be okay with me waking him up this way, despite usually liking BJs as much as the next red-blooded straight male. I wouldn't like it either. Oral? When I'm sleeping? No thanks. But we've been married for years and we know that if one of us decided to experiment with something like that, it wouldn't portent anything creepy and serious. In this case, where a young man has known a young woman for a matter of weeks and had only been in a relationship for a few weeks, I would be worried that he now thinks that because we've had sex, he can do whatever he wants to me, whether I'm conscious or not.

Additionally, depending on how this got reported and the state, it could be that she told a mandated reporter and that process got triggered. Either way, it sounds like your friend's son grossly misread what was appropriate in this situation, with the result that his girlfriend felt that she'd been assaulted. That would not have happened if he had stuck to the cardinal rule which is DO NOT HAVE SEXUAL CONTACT WITH ANYONE WHO IS UNCONSCIOUS.[/quote]

+100 totally agree with this assessment. It wasn't a smart thing to do and it would've have freaked me out early in a relationship as well. Crossing all sorts of boundaries.[/quote]

I wouldn't have necessarily wanted that early in a relationship either.  But looking back at the inexperienced, awkward and sometimes klutzy guys I dated....I can see how one of them could have done something like that with absolutely no harm intended.  If there was no harm intended and it was just a miscommunication that would have been good enough for me given the circumstances.

I'll never forget how one doofy guy put his slobbery wet tongue into my ear - Ick!! Skeeved me out.  He was hurt and a bit offended that I didn't like it like his ex girlfriend used to like it.  Should I have called the cops on him for not asking permission to do that to me?  No way.  The guy really thought that "women" liked that because in his own extremely limited experience women did like that.

We really need to teach our kids to respect each other.  We also need to teach them to have a little empathy and compassion for each other too.

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