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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.[/quote]

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.[/quote]

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.[/quote]

Meh. If he's saying it's all good, I can see why she's not wringing her hands over their "ruined" childhood. She doesn't know those kids at all, or know anything about his family other than what he tells her. She's never been a parent. Exhorting a foolish young person to imagine terrible consequences to people they don't know is a waste of energy, especially when her only contact with the family is him![/quote]

Maybe I'm naive, but I hope I've taught my children enough about right and wrong that the wouldn't want to participate in breaking up a family or even marriage.[/quote]

Hopefully. But there is an awful lot of infidelity out there, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that even your children might make mistakes as adults. BTW, my father cheated on my mother many times and all three of us kids are happily married. It's not the end of the world.[/quote]

Glad you were able to compartmentalize away your mother's unhappiness and mistreatment.[/quote]

Not the PP.

My mother had an affair. My parents stayed married for several years post-affair, and ultimately divorced when I was a teenager. It was her idea. It affected our family life in many ways, some positive and some negative.

I do not believe that my mom was a bad mom as a result of her affair. I do not believe that I got flawed modeling about marriage from my parents. In fact, I think they were excellent models of what a bad marriage that should end looked like. They were unhappy for years. I found out about my mom's affair much later, when I was an adult, and looking back on the time when she was involved with the other man (who I do not remember ever meeting in any context), she was a great mom at that time. She threw wonderful birthday parties. She taught me to read. We did cool projects together. I never once felt like my mother was unavailable to me, as a result of her relationship with this man, my father, or anyone else. If anything, looking back now, I respect her right to have some aspects of her life that did not revolve around her children.

I know that many people have a different experience. I do not believe that I am "compartmentalizing" my fathers "unhappiness and mistreatment". I understand why my mother cheated, why she did not just get divorced right then and why she ended up divorcing later. I understand why my father feels bitter toward her and I also understand the ways in which he was complicit in the unhappiness in their marriage. It is not excusing a cheater to say that when marriages fail, it is not generally 100% the fault of anyone.

My childhood was not ruined as a result of my mother's affair, which she confessed to me about 20 years after the affair itself, nor was it ruined by the dissolution of my parents' marriage. I do not think there's anything wrong with married adults having lives that are separate from their children. Certainly there are parts of my life that my child is not involved in or a primary consideration for.  [/quote]

Your mother had a one-time affair and she chose to end the marriage. They dynamics are very different than than when a woman feels trapped in marriage with a repeat adulterer because she is financially dependent upon him (as many, many women were, and still are). [/quote]

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