Reply to Intimacy vs sex-- which is more important?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No we don't [b]all [/b]expect what we ask for... entitled people expect everything they ask for ... humble people expect very little.

Sex drive and amount of sex that men ask for is not correlated. Plain and simple. You ask for sex because of your expectation not because of your drive.

Consistent over time is an unrealistic expectation... just like expecting that life will never change. That is why couples that adapt well to change are the most successful. Rigid people are not successful in many facets of life, but mostly relationships.

You believe there is a definition of "reasonable"... many men would think 1 time a week with toddlers is reasonable, some men don't think it is reasonable. Sex drive does not determine what a man (or woman) thinks is reasonable. You think X is reasonable.. it is your expectation that is making you unhappy.

You keep going back to sex drive. It has nothing to do with drive, it has to do with expectation. your expectation is that nothing will change after marriage/kids/age/weight gain/stress.... you want nothing to change, yet everything is changing. You can't adapt, your set expectation that are not flexible... you create your own unhappiness.

You are saying your wife has not adapted... she still sleeps in on Saturday and Sundays, naps in the afternoon, stays out late partying with friends, shops the same amount, goes to happy hour the same amount and works out the same amount and sees her friends the same amount and her expectation before marriage are the same...you do the same amount of planing of dates, gifts, etc.

She has adapted, she just has not adapted in the way you want her to change.

Of course not, only an insane person would expect everything after marriage to be exactly the same as before marriage.

Men are not the only ones that are rigid... women get pissy when they realize they might have to work (if they thought they wouldn't) or have less children or any other "expectation" they had before marriage that is unmet.... like men continuing to court them the way they did before marriage.... or put their clothes in the hamper and not next to it or not watch football all day Saturday and Sunday. Expectation.... [/quote]
The dating and courtship process is where relationship needs and expectations are established in all areas.
Sexually, I am not talking about the first few months of "new relationship energy" sex, I mean after you've been together for a good while (and BEFORE marriage), and settled into a steady-state sexual cadence.

I'm not saying that everything remains exactly the same way forever. But I can't think of a single legitimate reason why something so basic as sex would be subject to a major overhaul down the road. Sex is fun/free/healthy/pleasurable, why wouldn't my partner want to find 30 minutes a couple times/week with me?
And if she decides I'm not worth it, what does that say about our relationship?

I am perfectly able to reevaluate my "expectations" for issues which truly are variable outside of my partner's control. But sex doesn't really fit that flexibility criteria. It's a bit like my expectation that my spouse will talk to me with basic respect and dignity: there just isn't a ton of wiggle room there to tolerate large swings down the road, other than my partner no longer really wants to be my spouse.
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Maybe you are making an atmosphere of sex that is not fun/free/healthy/pleasurable, many men do that with the "I will act grumpy until I get it" phenomenon.... aka emotional abuse, or lack of sleep, or down time, or a million other things.

The female viagra pill failed the 1st time because they did not control for mean/controlling/abusive men. It only works in mutually supportive relationships. Being grumpy because you don't get it would be a factor that would make the viagra pill fail for women. Acting like a woman is broken because she does not want to have sex is also considered emotionally abusive.

I think somebody that does not know sex is variable, and if you think women have complete control over this... you don't understand women's bodies/minds/spirits (or people for that matter). Just like men who can't perform for various reasons. Things change, if you really want to talk about biology.

It's interesting you equate having sex with a measurement of how much your wife loves you, this is a key indicator of marriages that will fail.

Adaptable people do try to change a bad situation, then they try to change their perception (this is something I don't think you will ever get), then they try to change their reaction to it.... if they can't they perpetuate suffering.

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