Reply to Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm struck by the number of posts on DCUM that lay out a weird situation, then, when the posts respond that it's a weird situation, the OP responds that "we're from a different country and that's normal in our culture, so we're not going to change that."  If you're from a different culture, I don't think it makes sense for you to seek advice from a generally American-born audience unless you're open to the way that the situation is typically handled within the American culture.

I mean, I get it if your post is "We're not from the U.S., but my DIL is, and I'd like some help in understanding her expectations."  But if your response is just going to be "Oh, well, our culture is different, so none of your advice applies to us..." -- then maybe you should post on a message board that is based in your country of origin or specific to your culture and maybe they'd give you some advice or sympathy that you could use.

This comment is not particular to OP, but I feel like 15-25% of all the "family relationships" posts (and also a lot of the general parenting and relationship posts) boil down to this sort of problem.  [/quote]

I agree. The trouble is that, even with a certain awareness of differences, people still assume everyone sees basic things the same way they do. Most people have no idea how HUGE the cultural differences can be in this area. It took me many years of practically living with my opposite culture (like OP's) in-laws before I realized how everyone assumes their way is the only way and certainly the right way. And it feels like being dropped in Crazy Land.

There are two extreme ends of the spectrum--independent, high-boundary cultures versus hive mentality, low-boundary cultures. OP's way is normal for her culture, and she's simply trying to figure out how to help her DIL and son. She will always believe that she's right in pushing her son and DIL, and that the sacrifices will be worth it. Nothing we say from our cultural perspective will change that. She'll think the posts calling her a nightmare and too pushy and a troll are all by crazy or family-hating people. She just wants to find ways to make the DIL go along with things. She blames the DIL for having her own ideas about how she'd like her life to be, and even though she loves the DIL, from her point of view, the DIL is being weak and even a little selfish. [/quote]

I hope all cultures from all over the world can start to raise daughters who are not doormats![/quote]

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