Reply to DH friendships with women - what's your comfort level

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
To quote from one of OP's early posts, "He has phone numbers for a couple of them as they have offered to babysit DC." How did it come about that they offered to babysit DC? Because this older married guy kept hanging around the bookstore and chatting them up, and then he glommed onto them one day at closing and asking if they minded if he came along to wherever they were headed. That was the beer they grabbed together. As they sat in the bar together, with a weird vibe, one of them asked pointedly, "So where's your wife?" He said, "Home with our kid."

On other evenings at the bookstore he had the same answer, she's home with our kid. So finally they said to him, "We can babysit for you! Then you can go out with [i]your wife."[/i] He ran with that and said, "Sure, why don't I get your numbers." So now he has their numbers and texts them. In the beginning it was actually about babysitting, but now he texts them about how their dates went, where they are going to be.

They don't dislike him per se. He's an entertaining enough guy, and it gives them something to talk about during slow times at the bookstore. They don't consider whether he's attractive or not since he's this older married dad. They hope that his behavior while odd is innocent, that he won't cross the line. [/quote]

OP here. This could be a pretty accurate picture. I think he enjoys feeling young around them and hearing about their dates, etc. But regardless of what the staff think of DH, I am not comfortable with this pattern continuing.  Too bad I still cant work up the guts to initiate the conversation. I'm scared of the blowback that makes me out to be a wet blanket (though I have never ever asked him to limit his social life in any way up to now) or of DH confessing something really hurtful.

I just paid our visa bill this morning. the charge from Sat night at the bar was over $90. and he didnt get to the bar until 10pm.  and the only person he said who joined him there was Jen. So he either bought a bunch of drinks for Jen or got really generous with his unknown fellow boxing fans.

I know I need to say something tonight. Dreading it. [/quote]

OP, perhaps you can begin your discussion by mentioning the Visa bill. "So I was paying the Visa bill this morning and I saw that the charge from Saturday night was over $90. What did you buy? Was that for you and Jen? Did you buy her drinks or some food at the bar?" If he says that yes, he treated Jen, you could say that seems really strange to you because that makes it like a date. He was at a bar with a single woman on Saturday night and bought her food and drinks. You just aren't comfortable with that, you could say. Then from there you could say that the whole thing makes you uncomfortable, and that it's probably making the bookstore women uncomfortable too since they offered to babysit so he could go out with his wife.

At least the Visa bill would be a way to begin, and it's very legitimate to be concerned about where family resources are going. I understand your discomfort at possibly seeming like a wet blanket wanting to limit his social life. I would be uncomfortable as well. I don't think you can tell other adults what to do. I think you can only share your perspective and see what he says from there. And then you make your decisions from there.

Prepare in advance for how you'll react in various scenarios. What will you say if he says he bought the bar a round of drinks? What if he treated Jen, but he says it's no big deal and you're being ridiculous? What if he says he needs to have some fun going out since you never want to go anywhere?

Good luck, OP. Let us know how it goes! [/quote]

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