Reply to Emotional Labor - a good read for men AND women

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Well, I'm actually one of the wives in the "this is all bullshit" camp. I completely agree with the poster who said that many wives practically choose to be beaten down and exhausted, because they pursue the goals nobody else sees as vitally important. [/quote]

lol, I'm not sure anybody [i]chooses[/i] to be in a relationship where they are (emotionally) beaten down and exhausted.  It sort of just happens gradually over time. And then one day you wake up and *bam* wonder "how the hell did things get like this?"

If there is a choice in the matter it's the wife putting her needs second to those of the children - I certainly have, for sure when they were smaller. Now that they are older and more self sufficient they can handle more things on their own.

(But it may not be a choice. It could be a "honey, you have to get up with the baby, i have an important meeting tomorrow and need my sleep" sorta thing that just escalates.)

I never set out for my marriage to be that way, and at the start it did seem like an equal arrangement. But things came up over the years where the DH needs were the priority, and I let mine take a backseat for the good of the marriage. For example: He went back to school while working full time with the plan being that the advanced degree would help our future financial situation, so studying and schoolwork became the priority. Then he graduated, and finding a new job was the priority. Then once the new job was landed he had to put all his energies into making sure he was doing well and progressing... and then he's promoted and now it's even more hours at the office...

There were other things as well that took us from being equal partners to me doing 100% of childcare and household chores (and everything in between) while also working a full time job.  For our future financial security and (for what I thought was) to help the DH during different stressful times... I put my needs behind his - always with the thought that once we got over that hurdle (whatever it may be) then things would even again and it would be my turn to have my needs taken priority.

The problem is that there is ALWAYS something else that comes up, another new hurdle, some other reason that DH needs must come first. It never ends. There is no "my turn".

I never intended it to get this way - blame it on my upbringing, my personality type, whatever you want - if you had told me 20 years ago I'd be in the situation I am now I'd say you were crazy.  So I take responsibility in my part of all this. I [i]thought[/i] I was doing the right thing.  I wasn't.  I thought I was being the supportive wife behind the man. I thought I was helping things. But in the end I"m left with a husband that expects everything to just automatically be taken care of, me feeling unappreciated and exhausted, and our marriage splitting up.

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