Reply to We're worried about our son and our grandchildren

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

We haven't given #1 money in about 5 years and it wasn't all that much (about 5K).  Of course when he visits us or we visit him we pay for restaurant meals, maybe go to the theater etc.

Their late grandfather set up trust funds for all of his grandchildren, that's where the 40K comes in (so we're technically not "giving him the money.")  40K is certainly a nice boost/floor - but since it's distributed annually it can't be spent on a "Paris Hilton" lifestyle.  He also believed that they should be able feel free to pursue the career of their choice, even if it didn't pay as much, and enjoy a vacation every now and then.

Compared to my in-laws (refugees from Nazi Germany), we've all had it easy!

I guess we should have told my father-in-law that this was a bad idea, but he died in 1988.

#1 he knows perfectly well we'd pay for him to fly out and visit us in CA - but he doesn't want to come visit!  He says he loves us but he can't stand to have #2 "rubbing his lifestyle" in his face. But he knows that we'd do the same for him if he really needed it.

However #1 went to a private LAC 100% paid for by 50/50 by parents and grandparents, while #2's education was a lot less expensive (at a state school).  So we've probably given more to #1 over time when we take college into account.  
[/quote]

Your relationship with #1 sounds totally appropriate and normal for adults whose parents have some money.

I think a big part of the problem here is that you have a skewed sense of normaly.  As another PP says, you can spend time with your son and grandkids without lavishing money and gifts on them.  You can also pay for small or even big treats, like a ski vacation or a play at the Kennedy Center.  But this idea that you can't have a relationship with your son if you aren't literally paying him the equivalent of a middle class salary out of your own pockets is insane.  [/quote]

+1[/quote]

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