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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here - I really appreciate everyone's honest replies.  I really did want completely honest opinions.  In the spirit of further frankness...let me ask more on a touchy issue.  One poster said to adopt because you want more children, not for charity (or something like that).  While I understand the reason for that, I also know (I work in a social services field) that adoptive parents are "needed" (particularly for older kids).  I would think that to adopt a child because you think it is helpful, might be a valuable motivation, particulalry if and when things become difficult.  In other words, I worry that if the primary motivation for adopting is rooted in MY needs (i.e., to have more children), then I would likely be more quickly disappointed (because my needs weren't being met) when things become difficult.  Is being partly motivated by the desire to help a child in need a bad thing?

Again, I really do want honest opinions because I want to assess my own motivations in making this decision.  If my motives are misplaced, I don't want to adopt (I don't want my problem to become a problem for the child).  My motives right now are to have a bigger family, but also to be helpful to a child in need.  (We are capable of having more biological children, but the reason to adopt rather than have more biological children would be rooted in a sense of charity.)

Sorry for rambling....I hope that makes sense.  We do want a larger family and, if adoption seems like the wrong thing to do (because of our motivations or any other reason), than we would likely just get preganant again.[/quote]

I think about this a lot - the idea of motivations. We have dealt a lot with infertility and although we had one child with IVF don't want to go that route for another child. We are unlikely to have another. I think what's icky about adopting out of a sense of charity is that it casts you in a martyr/savior role. Later, when things get more complex with your child and they're a teenager and seeking their birth family/heritage etc. and you have doubts about whether this adoption truly served the child's best needs then you have to face why it happened. Nobody wants to feel like their parents had them to do them a favor. No child wants to feel indebted or beholden. If the child is chosen instead to fulfill the parents' goals to have a family then it is less fraught. International adoptions can unintentionally create black markets for babies that lead to kidnappings, etc. If you discovered that the adoption you undertook to "help" a child actually fractured her family of origin then where would you stand?

Did you ever have a preteen fight with your mom where you shouted "I didn't ask to be born!" Perhaps I was more melodramatic than most, but I can imagine the added levels of drama an adoption would add to that fight. Harder to withstand if the adoption was predicated on "helping" the child and she doesn't perceive herself as having been helped. [/quote]

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