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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Well apparently my opinion means nothing to my son and his wife. After they turned down a VERY generous loan for their down payment, they went shopping and put in an offer. Sent my husband and I the link.

[b]I don't think it is a good house, price or location! I used Google Earth to look at it. It looks like their neighbors have a big boat parked in their driveway. The interior carpets look shabby and paint colors need updating.[/b]

I don't understand why they won't accept the loan to make updates, at least. My other son accepted a generous loan and was grateful.

[b]Any thoughts on why my generosity was denied? [/b]I feel like my DIL is hurrying this move just because it is 20 minutes further away.[/quote]

Yes, the part that I bolded is exactly why they have refused your offer.  You are incorrect that your generosity was denied.  If it was generous, the loan or gift would have been given freely without expectation of them kowtowing to your controlling ways.  In this case, you did not offer a loan, you offered strings with emotional guilt.  You make the offer to loan them money and then hold that over their heads expecting them to do what you want as opposed to what they want.  You've had your change to buy your own home and make your own decisions, it's their turn now.  If you cannot freely offer them money without strings attached like you've shown in this posting, then you should keep your money and your guilt trip to yourself.   That is the way to be a more respectful in-law.

[quote]I gave my own MIL the respect and deference due to an elder and the mother of my husband in my day.

Times...have changed...[/quote]

I'm truly sorry that you don't see how anti-social you are.  I give my parents and my mother-in-law the respect that they deserve.  I bought a house that included a first floor in-law suite so that they have a place to stay when they visit that does not require steps since my father and mother-in-law cannot handle steps any longer.  I allow  them to visit and stay with us and visit the grandkids pretty much at their whim.  I shop for and feed them, provide them a spare car to get around and care for them.  I do not allow them to make decisions about my life, my house, my property and my choices.

What you've done is taken advantage of your son in the past.  You gave him a loan for his graduate school and then you've impinged on his freedom to choose for himself.  You've used your loan to him as a form of extortion and now you've made the same type of offer again and he has chosen to decline.  As is typical with emotional abusers, rather than see yourself and your choices as t he cause for this disruption in your relationship, you look for external blame and you pin your blame on your daughter-in-law when more likely the cause is that you've overstepped your son's boundaries and he's trying to reestablish them more firmly.

I hope that you can wake up and see what harm you're causing your relationship with your son before it becomes too late.  If you want to have a chance to see any grandchildren from this couple, I would suggest you do a little introspection and try to figure out how to let go of the apron strings that your son has already cut.  If you keep trying to yank those apron strings, they'll probably cut you off more than just declining your not-so-generous offers.[/quote]

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