Reply to How to handle a (hopefully) temporary separation period?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I feel for you. I, too, grew up with a parent who used marijuana regularly, and I hated it. It made me feel like the pot was more important than parenting me. I realized later in life that if I had felt well cared for in loved in general, the pot may not have bothered me so much. Just some food for thought.

My question is: did you know about your DH's pot use when you got married? You said it wasn't how you envisioned your married/co-parenting life. Did your DH know that, though? Or was it just your thought/assumption that that's how things would go? If you never agreed on it pre-marriage, I could see how he might think it was unfair that he is expected to change. Yes, he agreed to change his habits, but did he have another choice at that point?

I don't think I would be okay with it either, honestly, but that doesn't really seem like the issue. The issue is that your DH was dishonest. But, did he feel backed into a corner of promising to cut down his use, like he had no other choice? Something to think about, as it does matter how the two of you came to this agreement.

You sound an awful lot like a friend of mine. If it's you, just know that you are an amazing person, mother and friend. Your family has been through such a hard time recently, I hope you and DH can really cut each other some slack. And I know your DH is an awesome person, father, and husband too! We all have our flaws.

[/quote]

As this thread has developed, I was slightly concerned that someone would realize who I am.  The reason I sought anonymous advice was because I don't want any of my family/friends to think anything negative about my DH, because he is an amazing person deep down who is going through a tough time.  I hope you don't mind if I open up our own discussion here (if my DH's initials are SM, do you know mine?)

First -- your leading observation took my breath away.  You put into words what I've never been able to.  "It made me feel that pot was more important than [loving/supporting/being an involved partner to] me."  This explains the visceral reactions I have, the complete breakdowns this leads to, and my inability to approach this situation in a rational/detached manner.  Now that I have words for this, I can start working on it and healing this emotional channel.  Thank you anonymous friend -- seriously, thank you.

Second -- with your observation, I can put my situation into better words.  My emotions tell me that I can't live with him smoking pot because I feel abandoned, alone, unsupported, untethered, and vulnerable to complete and total destruction.  His actions tell me that he can't/won't give it up.  So what do I do?  What should I be thinking about?  How can he and I get through this?

Third -- to answer your questions.  I did not know about my DH's pot use when we met/dated/got married.  I knew it had been a part of his past, but it wasn't something he did during the first 5 years of our relationship.  I am pretty sure I told him about my marijuana stance before 2011.  But, if not, that is when my dad issues wedged themselves into my life.  My DH watched me cry and breakdown as my dad spent our wedding weekend high out of his mind, then chose marijuana over his stable life, manipulating me to give him thousands of dollars that (I found out later) dad used to fund his marijuana operation, eventually leading to his arrest/jail/living with DH and me while on probation/depression/death.  If there was any doubt about how I felt about marijuana and the harm it caused in my life, these events should have cleared it up.  [/quote]

Hi friend! :-) Yes, I know you. Would you like to know which friend I am? It is up to you, whatever you are comfortable with.

I feel kind of bad about ruining the anonymity you sought. Just know that I pass zero judgment. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. We all go through our own sh*t. [/quote]

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