Reply to Punishing your child by not letting them a birthday party last minute

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]People who punish their children instead of properly disciplining them don't do parenting right anyway. Flame away I don't care. All that child is learning right now is to be extremely sad and resentful towards the parents for not letting him/her go to the party. How about logical and natural consequences for bad behavior instead of parents just showing that they have the power to take away whatever they want from a child...

If your child behaves so badly that you feel the need to take away a birthday party where you are one of three invited and a close friend...maybe you've done something wrong along the way and your way of parenting isn't working very well to begin with...[/quote]

OK wise parenting one-- tell us how you would have handled this? I do think not attending a birthday party CAN be a natural consequence of bad behavior.  I tell my child all the time that only kids who behave can go out to dinner (for example) because kids who run around screaming aren't allowed in restaurants.  Likewise, kids who are out of control (or hit other kids or scream etc) are not welcome at birthday parties where they will have to play nicely with other children.  However...if I had RSVP'ed to attend a 3 person birthday party, I would not use that as the punishment unless it was really egregious.  If it was a 30 person, whole-class party at chuck-e-cheese, I might think differently.

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I am going to reply even though you started with a snarky remark...

Taking away a birthday party is NEVER a natural consequence. "Natural consequence" means a consequence that occurs naturally by the childs behavior - not a punishment artificially given to the child. Not attending a birthday party also most likely wasn't even a logical consequence in this case. This would have been logical for example:

1. Child needs to wear sunscreen to the birthday party because it's a pool party and the sun is blazing.
2. Child refuses to wear sunscreen.
3. You say "Okay, don't wear sunscreen - but you can not go to the party then as it requires you wear sunscreen."

That is logical consequence. Not natural. Natural would be:

1. Child needs to wear sunscreen to the birthday party because it's a pool party and the sun is blazing.
2. Child refuses to wear sunscreen.
3. You say "Okay, don't wear sunscreen." Child goes to the party and gets a very bad sunburn. Sunburn = Natural consequence of not wearing sunscreen.

IN OPs CASE:

1. Kid behaves badly at home.
2. Kid goes to party anyway.
3. Kid behaves badly at party.
4. Kid gets to hear how other kids don't want to play because of bad behavior. Kid is sent home early because of bad behavior. THAT is the natural consequence.

IN YOUR CASE:

1. Kid behaves badly at home.
2. Kid goes to restaurant anyway.
3. Kid gets mean stares, bad comments from other customers, eventually the family has to leave. THAT is the natural consequence.

The point of natural consequences is to let children experience by themselves what their behaviors do to other people and in return the consequences it has for them. It means a lot of stepping back and holding back on the parents part.
The point of logical consequences is to intervene as a parent mostly before a natural consequence occurs to actively teach children right from wrong and to teach them consequences that usually aren't as harsh as natural ones would be.

And then there's punishment. That's a whole different story and that's what has happened here.

I can not say what the natural or logical consequence would have been for the child not allowed to go to the party because I do not know what exactly that child even did wrong in the first place...but that child was being punished, not shown natural OR logical consequence.[/quote]

It depends on the child.  One thing may work for your child but not mine.  Taking away video games and using that as a token reward system works best but if my child acted up at a restaurant or prior to leaving, he would not be going - simple.  I am not ruining another person's mean or wasting our money with an acting up child.  If we leave, no, you are not going out in public for a long time again.  Or, if my child acted up before a party and could not calm down, then no, he's not going.  If he cannot behave at home, I cannot trust him to behave out in public.  I would do my best to get him to the party (and its never been an issue for us) but actions have consequences and just someone gossiping about my kids poor behavior isn't going to do it for him.  He will not care.

A natural consequence can be not going to a party.  If we had to go out to eat with our family and my child severely acted up to the point we had to leave, a very appropriate consequence would be not to go to a party for him.  That is very logical.  Saying, hey, you act up and you are going to bed 30 minutes early for tonight would not be as effective as a party he looked forward to.[/quote]

No. A natural consequence is one that occurs naturally without anyone artificially setting it up. Again: not driving your kid to the party because he/she misbehaves COULD be a logical consequence but never a natural one. For example:

1. Child misbehaves, throwing a tantrum.
2. You say "We want to go to Larlos party but to do that you need to get into the car, put on your seat belt and sit quietly so Mom can drive safely."
3. Child keeps throwing a tantrum.
4. You say "Okay, I can not drive to the party like this. When you have calmed down we can go. Let me know!"
5. Child keeps kicking and screaming so you can not go. THAT is a logical consequence.

So if the child's bad behavior is directly linked to going to the party THEN yes it could be a logical consequence not to go. But I very highly doubt that happened in OPs case. I also highly doubt that any child acting up right before leaving would not be able to get a grip and make it possible to still go. You may be a bit late but that's better than not going. It takes patience and time and effort on the parents part though.

And I agree with OP: birthday parties are for the birthday child. Birthdays are (to some people) the most important event of the year because that's when someone was born. Without a birthday we all wouldn't be here so how can it not be a very important event? You go to a birthday party to share joy with the birthday child, to say how happy you are that they were born. To give a gift to show your happiness. To celebrate that they exist and that you know each other. I know, I know...the actual meaning of birthday parties is lost to many people nowadays but clearly OP still holds that value dearly. Your child not going to a birthday party affects the birthday child. If you are into punishment I am absolutely certain there are at least 10 other things your child was looking forward to that you can take away. Things that don't partly ruin another child's most important day of the year.[/quote]

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